Common Denominator

I am Maz , a survivor of domestic abuse . This pilot episode leads up to my narrative of my lived experience of domestic abuse  , starting with the common denominator between a victim and the abuser . What is the common denominator ? I invite you to take a listen and enlighten yourself .

If you find need support please call :
NATIONAL DOMESTIC ABUSE HELPLINE

0808 2000 267 freephone and confidential

OR leave a message by completing a form on the website : nationaldahelpline.org.uk

You can find me on :
www.domesticabusethecuttingedge.com
https://domesticabusethecuttingedge.buzzsprout.com
Twitter - @AbuseEdge
Instagram - domestic abuse : the cutting edge
Facebook -Maz  Bell /Domestic Abuse : The Cutting Edge

THE NEXT EPISODE WILL BE AVAILABLE  ON MONDAY 12th APRIL  FOLLOWED BY WEDNESDAY 14TH APRIL AND THEN  EVERY MONDAY AFTER THAT A NEW EPISODE WILL BE RELEASED.

 Much love and light 
Maz 

Transcript

 DOMESTIC ABUSE: THE CUTTING EDGE

SEASON 1 

EPISODE 1- Statistics and Common denominators

*** intro music ***

A warm welcome to all my listeners This is the pilot episode of DOMESTIC ABUSE: THE CUTTING EDGE. My name is Maz, your podcast host I am domestic abuse survivor 13 years on, a university graduate and white-collar professional. I am a woman of colour and a single mother of one beautiful, gifted and talented child (the true love of my life)  

My podcast follows my domestic abuse survivor story and those of other inspiring survivors. The intention of my podcast series is to bring a stronger awareness of the cycle and psychology behind and the devastation of DA. At the end of each episode, I will have signposts and contact details of helplines and other support services for anyone finding themselves in the cycle of DA and who want to reach out for help. The biggest take -away I want to spread with this podcast is ‘DO NOT WAIT TO PLAN YOUR LEAVING STRATEGY ‘. There is an abundance of services that can support anyone trapped in DA to safely start the process of taking their life back and live to tell their survivor story. 

 I survived DA and took my life back through a long process of recovery which took years but now I am free, safe and happy. I have my power and my life back. Our abuse stories are not all the same but there is always a common thread. Domestic abuse covers everything from gender violence, Coercive control, sexual control, financial and manipulative emotional control to entrapment and stalking. I carried the shame and humiliation around with me for years and it never completely goes away. However, I realised I can harness these residual feelings of shame to drive awareness of the naked truth of DA to both the public and those still suffering in abusive relationships. If anyone listening to my podcast can identify or relate to even one small or big detail in my story and those of other guest on this podcast, then please, please I implore you to reach out for help to the many charitable services  available to those in need of support .I will leave the National DA helpline details at the end of every podcast and in the episode notes. I feel compelled and determined to use my lived experience of DA to serve, support and emancipate as many victims as possible from Domestic Abuse. One of my favourite quotes from Thomas Keneally comes to mind: “Whoever saves one life, saves the world entire”

So, what is Domestic abuse? Domestic abuse is defined as a pattern of behaviours used by an intimate partner or family member to exert control and power over the other. 

For the next part of my podcast, I have to give a 

**Trigger warning- some of the detail of my story contains descriptions of physical abuse **

NB.: For legal purposes and more importantly for the protection and privacy of my child, I will keep the name and nationality of my abuser and my child anonymous by using a pseudo-name throughout my story and this podcast. 

To truly understand Domestic abuse, one must accept that anyonecan be subject to becoming a victim of abuse. It is not “weak” women or men who are targets for abusive relationship , it’s any woman or man .Most times victims are strong-minded ,well-educated and successful people .The abuser almost always targets persons more superior to themselves, emotionally and intellectually .The abuser then thrives and builds themselves up by breaking that person down to nothing , to then be able to fully control them and assume the power in the relationship .One must also understand that in most cases the common denominator between a victim and an abuser is childhood trauma in the form of DA ,past down generational trauma , toxic parenting ,sexual child molestation and  alcohol or drug abuse in their childhood homes or the childhood homes of their parents. With that said I am going to give a brief background to my childhood and John’s childhood to better understand the deeper psychology behind it all. 

I come from a family of both parents and 4 siblings. My mother was a child witness to DA by her alcoholic father towards her mother. My Grandmother abandoned my mother at the age of 12, left her to stay behind with her chronic alcoholic father who could not care for her. My grandmother became a raging alcoholic which I grew up around since she lived with us for most of my childhood. Both my uncles (my mother’s brother’s) had their own battles with alcohol, which I grew up around. My eldest brother now practises sobriety. 

My father is the eldest of 5 siblings. His father was very hard, stern, authoritarian using corporal punishment to discipline. His mother was emotionally unavailable only providing practical love. My parents wanted a better life and more opportunities for their kids, and they loved us. We were average middle-class educated 

My mother unintentionally projected all her fears and abandonment issues onto us. It was difficult to have our own opinion different to hers. She struggled to allows us to have our own separate identities. She had a “You are me “outlook because it served her need to control her environment due to her own childhood trauma. It was difficult to make our own choices, it had to reflect her choices. It was her way of keeping herself safe and in her mind keeping us safe. She needed constant external validation from her children and our father, despite the fact that she was an extremely successful woman professionally. 

My Father was gentle, loyal and faithful to my mother. He was a practical, present father who loved us, no doubt, but he was emotionally unavailable and used corporal punishment to discipline us.

We had a normal home-life barring the alcoholism. I spent most of my childhood learning to micro-manage my environment to prevent triggering either my grandmother, my mother or my brother.

My mother found it difficult to experience her children’s negative or troubled emotions like disappointment, rejection, sadness, anger or worry etc, expressing such emotions was not tolerated in our house. We could only express feelings and emotions that would not take my mother out of her comfort zone. I did not grow up in an environment where I could learn to identify all my feelings, only the ones that pleased my mother and others around me. I learnt to be a chameleon with my feelings and emotions even myself -identity because I was also born and lived in a country riddle with a history of epic racism. 

The other childhood trauma I lived through was sexual abuse by a total stranger at the age of 8 in a public toilet. As a result of this I never could develop normal relationships with the opposite sex and in my teen years this became huge problem for me. 

My mother’s way of overcoming trauma was not to open the can of worms or peel the onion but rather to mask the devastation with accolades, trophies and academic achievements. So, I became her. I donned myself with university degrees and prestigious titles to match, trauma buried under a white coat.

So, John. John’s childhood begins in his home country. His father was a philanderer and an abuser. John and his sisters witness horrific abuse at the hand of their father toward their mother. The emotional and physical abuse was a daily occurrence, and this was all he knew to be true in an intimate relationship. His mother left with his two sisters to emigrate to the UK, he was 14 years old when she left, he did not want to go along with her. He ended up living with his abusive, womanising father. He was also physically abusive toward John. At the age of 17, John had enough and made his way to Europe, with very little money. It was here he met the mother of his eldest child who was born before he turned 18. John was 17 abandoned by his parents. A child witness to DA and only the shirt on his back, in a foreign country where he had no family or friends, a combination which is lethal for any teenager. Listen, this is not an attempt to exonerate John from his brutal abusive actions, it’s to highlight part of the problem of the cycle of DA that needs to be addressed .If we are to eradicate DA we need to heal everyone ,both victim and perpetrator. 

On a final note, I would like to touch on some statistics. Let’s be honest everyone finds stats boring to listen to and one can lose interest very quickly with it or it sort of drones in the background as you start daydreaming during that part of the meeting until you snap out of it and the end and despite not taking in a single stat you do the loudest “thank you” handclapping at the end. I am talking from personal experience. However, I am going ask you to please really take the time to listen and process these devastating stats. I wish I can say that I will try to make it as fun as possible but there is nothing funny about these statistics at all. 

OK, It has been reported by Crime in England and Wales that domestic abuse accounts for 16% of all violent crime and possibly higher during the Covid 19 pandemic, that’s almost a fifth of all crimes reported to the police. Guys, that’s a reflection on our society is it not. It is also still the violent crime least reported to the police.

According to the Office for National Statistics (2020) :

1.DA in England and Wales overview November 2020: Almost 1 in every 4 women aged 16-74 will experience DA in her lifetime.  

Just think about this stat, 1 in every 4 women, that means in every fourth house in your street a woman is experiencing domestic abuse. Hold that thought, now think of your neighbours three doors down, do you see the image of her face in your mind, got it, now ask yourself is she maybe experience domestic abuse and unable to reach out for help? Possibly, very possibly according to these ONS stats which was only released a year ago. How does this stat feel to you now after this shift in perspective? Who are your neighbours three doors down or in your courtyard? In my courtyard of 5 houses, I am the 1-4 statistic. 

2.Homicide in England and Wales, year ending March 2018(average taken over 10 years) overview: 2 women a week are killed by a current or former partner in England and Wales alone. That equates to an average of 104 per year. Preventable deaths, yes, I think so

3. Domestic Abuse victim characteristics England and Wales, year ending March 2020 overview: In the year ending March 2020 ,1.6 million women experienced Domestic Abuse (and 757 000 men). We talk about a viral pandemic 2019 but 1.6 million women having suffered Domestic Abuse, now THAT is a human pandemic and not much has been done to eradicate Domestic Abuse

4.Office for National Statistics (2020): Domestic Abuse and the criminal justice system England and Wales Nov 2020:  The overwhelming majority of DA cases are not prosecuted; very few domestic abuse -related crimes reported to the police will end in conviction. In the year ending March 2020 there were 1.32 million DA related incidents and crimes reported to the police, of which 758,941 were deemed by police to be DA-related criminal offences and referred to CPS. But despite this in the year ending March 2020 there were only 79,965 prosecutions and 61,169 convictions for DA-related crimes

This is a shocking statistic and demonstrates the utter lack of consequence for the abuser in terms of the criminal justice’s system. This lack of consequence provides no deterrent for their abusive behaviour giving a message of zero recourse for and protection of the victim. How can victims rely on the justice system to protect them and their children with these kinds of statistics?

The following statistics around DA and children are gut-wrenching and sobering for me as my child could have been part of these statistics if I did not find a way and strength to leave 

1.NSPCC (2011); Child abuse and neglect in the UK today: 20% of children in the UK have lived with an adult perpetrating Domestic Violence. That is a fifth of our next generation who will grow up with the mental and emotional scars of trauma 

2.SAVE LIVES (2015); Getting It right the first time: 62%of children in households where DA is happening are also directly harmed. Is this a reflection on society where we stand by and observe without being outraged? It takes a village to raise a child. How have we failed to be that village?

3.WOMEN’S AID (2016);19 child homicides (and I am sure that figure is probably higher by now): Between 2005 and 2015, 19 children in 12 families were killed by violent fathers who had been allowed to see them through formal and informal child contact arrangements through family courts. Claire Throssell’s two beautiful talented boys, Paul and Jack ,9 and 12, were burnt alive and died at the hands of their father ,Claire’s abusive ex-husband in 2014 .This horrific and preventable  tragedy occurred as a result of the Family court giving a perpetrator of DA unsupervised visitation rights to her boys despite being well informed of the history of domestic abuse by his hand. Claire will be appearing as a guest on the podcast in a later episode and you will hear more about her story and the formidable Child First campaigning, she has achieved in relation to the DA Bill. 

4.ANGELA TAFT (2002): Angela Taft is a social scientist, Professor and former director of the Judith Lumley centre of mother, infant and family health research. She led a major  funded programme of research at JLC on intimate partner/gender-based violence   

Domestic violence gets worse during pregnancy. It is estimated 4 to 9 in every 100 pregnant women are abused during pregnancy or soon after the birth. This was very true for me while I was with John. During my pregnancy the physical violence escalated to near death experiences for both myself and my unborn child and continued to escalate after birth. 

These stark statistics remind us that we as a society need to raise our awareness and act on the growing pandemic called Domestic Abuse. It’s in our homes, we can see it in our workplace whether it be a colleague, a friend, an employee ,a client or a patient. WE need to make it our business, ask the right questions, support and help when domestic abuse is disclosed. WE need to say” NO MORE” to domestic abuse

Outro message:

Before I go I just need to make some housekeeping announcements:

1.Please check out the podcast page on Instagram and Facebook(domesticabusethecuttingedge) and Twitter@AbuseEdge) where you can leave comments, feedback and questions. You can also find all the episodes and transcripts of this podcast at https://domesticabusethecuttingedge.buzzsprout.com

2.I also have show notes which signposts the National helpline 

The number is :

NATIONAL DOMESTIC ABUSE HELPLINE

0808 2000 267 freephone and confidential

OR leave a message by completing a form on the website : nationaldahelpline.org.uk

3.Please, if you are able to donate to my LISTENER SUPPORT , please go to the podcast website www.domesticabusethecuttingedge.com

And click on the PayPal donate button link to donate. All donations will go toward setting up a cluster of Support Groups for survivors of domestic abuse where victims, who have recently left their abusive relationship will find, life-saving support and understanding from experienced survivors who have been there and lived it too. I am preparing the manifesto and key principles of the Support Group. The Group will not be a referral or signposting service nor an advice service, just simply sitting down, supporting and listening to each other, a safe space to grow and develop personal journeys to being totally free of abuse in their lives

Finally in the next episode I will go into detail as to how I met John and the very first time the physical abuse started. I will also delve into the nature narcissistic abuser and narcissistic personality disorder. 

STAY SAFE. DO NOT WAIT TO REACH OUT FOR HELP.YOUR LIFE MATTERS

Much love and light. This is DOMESTIC ABUSE : THE CUTTING EDGE .I am Maz , your host signing out until next time.

***outro music ***