I became the chained elephant

In this episode I will tackle the question of why victims stay, why and how we become the chained elephant . How the psychology of the chained elephant best describes how an abuser conditions his or her victim and why victims stay for so long or in some cases never leave.

If you find need support please call :
NATIONAL DOMESTIC ABUSE HELPLINE

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OR leave a message by completing a form on the website : nationaldahelpline.org.uk

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THE NEXT EPISODE WILL BE AVAILABLE  ON MONDAY 19th APRIL AND EVERY MONDAY AFTER THAT A NEW EPISODE WILL BE RELEASED.

Much love and light
Maz

Transcript

EPISODE 3 – I became the chained elephant

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A warm welcome to all my listeners. This is DOMESTIC ABUSE :THE CUTTING EDGE . I am Maz , your podcast host . I am a domestic abuse survivor and a warrior on a mission to fight the battle to emancipate others who suffer at the hands of their abuser ,victims who are living with the devastation of domestic abuse.

For this episode I need to give a TRIGGER WARNING -some of the detail in this episode will contain descriptions of abuse and violence.

If you have been or are affected by domestic abuse or know someone who may be affected and want to reach out for help please call or email the :

NATIONAL DOMESTIC ABUSE HELPLINE

0808 2000 267 freephone and confidential

OR leave a message by completing a form on the website : nationaldahelpline.org.u

The story of the chained elephant depicts a baby elephant chained from one leg to a small stake in the ground .The small elephant tried many times to release himself from the stake and chain without getting hurt or getting into trouble but he was too small to achieve this so eventually he stopped trying altogether .Even though the elephant was now big and strong enough to release himself easily from the chain and stake , after many years of being captive ,he still does not try to free himself as he has been conditioned to understand that he is incapable of freeing himself and only remembers being small fighting against a chain and stake that would not budge . 

This is the best way I can describe the psychology of how an abuser conditions his or her victim and why victims stay for so long or in some cases never leave. The abuser systematically breaks down the confidence of the victim by means of  belittling , humiliating , name calling ,verbal abuse ,minimizing , denial or gaslighting, blame and isolation from friends and family  followed by control and manipulation in any way possible .This kind of emotional abuse can continue for many months or even years before the abuse becomes physical .The brutality of the physical abuse escalates with each episode rendering the victim paralyzed with fear and subsequently too terrified and most times too weak to attempt  an escape on their own. 

The manipulation and control thickened as he commenced the all important isolation from family and friends . John would do anything he could to stop me from thinking for myself for one minute .  John had to control any expression of individuality that separate himself from me ,  so he would simply switch off the lights while I was reading and initiate intimacy but not the romantic kind , the kind that puts his power of control over me back in his hands . The sexual control was not intimacy nor romance , he would use it to create sleep deprivation  by waking me up from deep sleep ,in the middle of the night with him already on top of me. The first few times I thought it was desire but it occurred almost every night. I started realising he was doing it to exert his power over me . My first thought was what would he do if I refused or rejected him ?  

John also used sexual control to demonstrate that he was in charge and holds the power in the relationship. He did this by withholding sexual intimacy , he would decide when we had sex and when we would not  .If I initiated sexual intimacy he would reject me every time  to the point of humiliation . Sex only occurred at his Will , when he needed it or when he needed to demonstrate his male  power over me.

The sexual control escalated rapidly into violent sex. 

The sad fact is that I stayed without a fight, chained to the small stake like the elephant. 

 John had no understanding or scruples about infidelity. I always found evidence to proof his infidelity ,he always promised it was nothing or deny it and  that it would never happen again. The countless times he used to gaslight me when I confronted him with evidence , like strands of foreign hair in our bathroom or in his car. Calls to his phone which I answer only to have some random ‘teenager brat’ ask after him .When I say look I am his partner we have a baby , we are a family you need to stop calling him , they would simply say they don’t care to my face , what am I going to do about and with what army will I come at them with ! 

But I stayed, I did not have the will to fight a chain and stake that would not budge. The infidelity never stopped it became more chronic and frequent and in the end left some nasty, humiliating health consequences for me in the form of sexually transmitted diseases he picked up from these young loose women. The abusive part of this was even worse. I took myself to the sexual health clinic , this was after our child was born and was found positive for certain a STI which obviously I had picked up from John . I was given the necessary treatment and was told that John needed to come in for treatment and he needs to inform all his current  sexual partners , that in itself was humiliating to have to admit to the clinic nurse . I felt so much shame and embarrasment as I had never had an STI in my life before this .I was always responsible with my sexual behaviour. John refused to go to the clinic and refused to contact his handful of sexual partners . I completed my course of treatment while John refused to take responsibility .So much so that he would force himself on me with his diseased manhood , I would get reinfected and have to go through treatment all over again, that’s sexual abuse,. That’s notlove, that’s not even respect for another person’s body or health. Thank God this was toward the end of our relationship and I did not have to endure it for too long.  

Rewind back to 6th of February 2006 , I woke up feeling very different about myself , a feeling that no words to describe .I was pregnant.

I did not know how John was going to react so I thought it best  to tell him in a public place . On hearing the news ,John accused me of lying and trying to entrap him , he demanded I took another pregnancy test in front of him to prove it was not a fake test stick, yes you heard me that’s what his response was 

John did not take the news well , it was not in his plan. John sat on the edge of the bed ,held my hand and told me he does not want this baby growing inside me but he swears on his mother’s life that if I have an abortion ,he would stay with me for the rest of his life and he will support me through it !!!!! 

I had to take a minute to digest the unthinkable think anyone can ever could say to a pregnant woman. I could feel the anger rise up like a fire , John may have had me trapped in his web of control but the love and power of being a mother was stronger .He underestimated that fact because nurturing was not in his nature. John left home agitated, angry that I dared to choose my unborn baby over him, that’s how grandiose an idea of himself he had  .He went missing for three days.

 You may be thinking why why why does she not just leave him already. Domestic abuse does not start with physical violence from the onset . The honeymoon period is very powerful , abusers are charming , even kind and generous in the beginning and that’s the person you fall in love with and the abuser usually tries to secure this as quickly as possible with short ,sharp intense love-bombing . Most abusive relationships start with a whirl-wind romance followed by months or years of systematic emotional abuse and manipulation which starts out with something as small as a derogative comment or with belittling you in company , persistent gaslighting and spiteful behaviours that breaking down your confidence until you doubt yourself and lose your sense of identity and worth completely .A small example of this where I asked John once what he loved the most about me , his reply “ your eyebrows” , that says it all thinking back to that moment . I felt so small and unattractive in that moment ,especially since I knew he was sleeping around with many younger women . I was expecting to hear him tell me I how beautiful , sexy ,kind and generous a soul I am .That I look cute when I scrunch my nose when I concentrate on something or that my wit and intelligence is attractive to him but my eyebrows comment was definitely intended to belittle me and break down my confidence . You see I was losing a lot of weight with breast-feeding and started wearing my pre-pregnancy outifts that outlined a pretty attractive figure, considering I had given birth just a few months ago. John did not want me to get ideas that I was looking attractive and slim again .In his mind it meant that other men may start noticing me and he was not about to lose his “property” to someone else. So he launching a campaign of derogative , belittling comments toward me to make sure I would not find my confidence again. He needed me chained to that stake . It worked , it did not take much for my low self-esteem to believe his spiteful deliberate manipulation.

The systematic breakdown of all your boundaries until the abuser’s patterns of behaviour to control you become normal and acceptable because he has conditioned you to believe that’s all you deserve and that nobody else would desire you or put up with you the way he does is where his power lies . But most of all you love them and you keep living in hope that if you love them enough the abuse will stop and you will get back the man you fell in love with at the start . 

John left me the day I told him of my pregnancy, his social friend ,( lets call him Michael) informs me they went to a house party where  John became  fixated with a European blonde that he met there that night . Michael , tells me he has heard rumours that John has shacked up with this girl ( lets call her Molly),now living with her in her room in a shared house with other housemates. Molly was the arrival of my worst life-wrecking nightmare for 6 years but  she was also my saviour from John’s claws in the end. 

Outro message:

Before I go I just need to make some housekeeping announcements : 

1.Please check out the podcast page on Instagram,Twitter and Facebook where you can leave comments, feedback and questions. You can also find all the episodes and transcripts of this podcast at https://domesticabusethecuttingedge.buzzsprout.com

2.I also have show notes which signposts the National helpline 

NATIONAL DOMESTIC ABUSE HELPLINE

0808 2000 267 freephone and confidential

OR leave a message by completing a form on the website : nationaldahelpline.org.uk

3. Please , if you are able to donate to my LISTENER SUPPORT , please go to the podcast website www.domesticabusethecuttingedge.com

And click on the listener support link to donate. . All donations will go toward setting up a cluster of Support Group for survivors of domestic abuse where victims who have recently left their abusive relationship needing , and will find,  life-saving support and understanding from experienced survivors who have been there and lived it. I am preparing the manifesto and key principles of the Support Group which will be free of charge. The Group will not be a referral or signposting service nor an advice service, just simply sitting down and supporting and listening to each other , a safe space to grow and develop personal journeys to being totally free of abuse in their lives.

Finally the next episode will tackle the escalation of serious harm that strangulation poses , the clause in the DA bill around non-fatal strangulation and more of my survivor story

STAY SAFE . DO NOT WAIT TO REACH OUT FOR HELP.YOUR LIFE MATTERS

Much love and light .This is DOMESTIC ABUSE : THE CUTTING EDGE .I am Maz , your host signing out until next time.

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