In this episode tackles how the narcissistic abuser uses money to abuse and how they use money as a mechanism to control . What the red flags are that indicate such abuse and control
NATIONAL DOMESTIC ABUSE HELPLINE
0808 2000 267 freephone and confidential
OR leave a message by completing a form on the website : nationaldahelpline.org.uk
You can find me on :
www.domesticabusethecuttingedge.com
https://domesticabusethecuttingedge.buzzsprout.com
Twitter - @AbuseEdge
Instagram - domestic abuse : the cutting edge
Facebook -Maz Bell /Domestic Abuse : The Cutting Edge
Finally the next episode episode will tackle the topic of family and friends. How the abuse we suffer affects them and how they can support us but also how the perpetrators family are enablers of his abuse
THE NEW EPISODE WILL BE AVAILABLE EVERY MONDAY
Much love and light
Maz
In this episode tackles how the narcissistic abuser uses money to abuse and how they use money as a mechanism to control . What the red flags are that indicate such abuse and control
NATIONAL DOMESTIC ABUSE HELPLINE
0808 2000 267 freephone and confidential
OR leave a message by completing a form on the website : nationaldahelpline.org.uk
You can find me on :
www.domesticabusethecuttingedge.com
https://domesticabusethecuttingedge.buzzsprout.com
Twitter - @AbuseEdge
Instagram - domestic abuse : the cutting edge
Facebook -Maz Bell /Domestic Abuse : The Cutting Edge
Finally the next episode episode will tackle the topic of family and friends. How the abuse we suffer affects them and how they can support us but also how the perpetrators family are enablers of his abuse
THE NEW EPISODE WILL BE AVAILABLE EVERY MONDAY
Much love and light
Maz
***intro music **
A warm welcome to all my listeners. This is DOMESTIC ABUSE :THE CUTTING EDGE . I am Maz , your podcast host . I am a domestic abuse survivor and a warrior on a mission to fight the battle to emancipate others who suffer at the hands of their abuser ,victims who are living with the devastation of domestic abuse.
For this episode I need to give a TRIGGER WARNING -some of the detail in this episode will contain descriptions of abuse and violence.
If you have been or are affected by domestic abuse or know someone who may be affected and want to reach out for help please call or email the :
NATIONAL DOMESTIC ABUSE HELPLINE
0808 2000 267 freephone and confidential
OR leave a message by completing a form on the website : nationaldahelpline.org.uk
For Narcissists, money is a source to achieve status and power. They need to impress people with their “perfect” life. If they do not have money by themselves , the narcissist will try to take control of other people’s money instead .They crave admiration and status all the time ,like an addiction . They will exaggerate and misrepresent their accomplishments and talents, lie, cheat, seduce people, anything to be seen as the perfect man or woman. Money is another word for love in their vocabulary having been deeply deprived of love early in their childhood, they constantly seek love substitutes and money is the chalice of all love substitutes. Because narcissists are so self-entitled, they believe they are entitled to other people’s money. The narcissists’ grandiose ideas and fantasies about themselves leads them to desire status items such as designer clothes, expensive cars and grand houses, anything that will enhance their ego. The narcissist believes he or she is entitled to the best of everything, even if they do not have money to afford it. They are pathological about money and most times seek out people who earn good money and who are generous with it, like myself.
Narcissists also use money to abuse, money is a mechanism of control . Here are some warning signs of money being used as a mechanism of control over your life:
1.Narcissists will be generous in giving gifts but then expects you to submit without question and to immediately comply with their demands
2. Steals from you then expects everyone to be ok with it
3.Defraud and /or exploit your financial resources for their financial gain, not yours
4.Shame you for how you spend your money while elevating their superior spending habits
5. Spend money on themselves but not on you claiming that you don’t deserve it because of your poor budgeting abilities
6. Never contribute to household bills or upkeep of the children – a TYPICAL AND MOST COMMON form
7.Punish your spending with verbal, physical ,sexual or emotional abuse
As an exercise , I would like you to see if you can identify any of the facts and warning signs I laid out in the beginning of this episode in the many examples I am going to narrate on of how John financially abused me. If any of these examples resonate with your life and relationship, please heed the warning signs ,the red flags that would indicate that you are in a relationship with a narcissistic abuser.
EXAMPLE 1
John invited me to meet his family formally, at this time I had only been dating John for 3 months. At the time I took this important introduction as John’s commitment to this relationship. We met at Nandos, the evening ended after 6 whole chickens and countless portions of rice ,sides and drinks between 7 adults. The bill was substantial. His family were ready to split the bill but John without having consulted or agreed with me beforehand or during, boastfully announces that I would pay, that the bill was on us! I was left in a very difficult position being unable to refuse or make a scene in front of the family, so I graciously paid the massive bill. His family were visibly feeling both uncomfortable and astounded by John’s flaunting of mymoney and professional standing. He wanted to boast about his catch of the year, it made him feel superior and inflated. He had already viewed it as his to control and make use of. I did confront him about the position he put me and that I did not appreciate it at all, John’s response “why are you being such a bitch about it ,it’s not like you cannot afford it “. This was the start of John’s financial control over me , the “you earn more money than me “ , the “how can you expect me to chip in on the bills with the pennies that I earn” , the “lets get the bigger house ,you can afford it “ .All the while , I shopped at Primark with pennies I had after paying for our life and John shopped at G-star raw and the likes with the “pennies” he had after no contribution to household bills and upkeep . Ring any bells for you? This was a red flag and I ignored it , not for one minute thinking it is a form of financial control , but it certainly was the start of it and of worse things to come . Take heed of the small red flags ,do not dismiss them.
EXAMPLE 2
At the very beginning of our relationship around 3 months in when John stole £400 out of my wallet which was earmarked to pay my yearly registration to practise ,to my professional body . This was and is a big red flag and I shockingly overlooked it, dismissed it as a one off . Do not dismiss your money literally being stolen from your wallet by your partner ! Nobody should be OK with stealing except narcissists of course, they believe everybody should be OK with them stealing , what’s the big deal you earn more than them and they are entitled to it !
EXAMPLE 3
Another early relationship thievery by John that he took to stealing not only from me but from his family and not in a sophisticated Pearce Brosnan style, I might add, more like a pathetic, opportunistic drug addict style , a common thief. A couple of days after a family gathering, John’s cousin, Vinnie calls me some personal items were stolen out of his house but no signs of break-in so he knows without a doubt it was John. I felt quite offended that Vinnie would automatically accuse John in this manner but what I refused to see and admit to myself was that John’s family did not trust his integrity or honour. John had stolen the housekey out of Vinnies girlfriends’ bag then entered their house while they were at work and stole items he could sell on. I should have seen this as a seriously massive red flag, but I swept it under the carpet once again, denial. A another red flag I dismissed and swept under the carpet. I was in deep enough to be in denial unfortunately.
EXAMPLE 4
Going back a bit to our second or third date. John and I had spent much time together, this was in hindsight his period of research on me as a person, my vulnerabilities, what makes me tick etc. I am a very benevolent person, it is innate in me, it comes and feels natural and with genuine sincerity . If I see someone suffering in anyway, I stop and give whatever they need whether it be my time , food , money or just a kind word . John had obviously observed this as we went on a couple of dates out and about in London. Un-beknows to me at the time, John was reeling me in, he needed to seal the deal before I caught on what he was all about really . He tried to mimic my benevolence and empathy for others but it was not sincere or genuine in feeling, it was for his gain and the homeless old lady could sense that , hence the pizza offering in his face.
His cunning plan to convince me he was charitable and empathetic had backfired on him .Narcissists do not have an empathetic or benevolent bone in their bodies and it is very hard for them to mimic this with a sense of authenticity so look out for this ,look carefully ,it can be spotted.
EXAMPLE 5
John decided it was best to move nearer to his family for support since I was going into my second trimester of pregnancy and he had found a job as a lorry driver delivery goods to local newsagents. I was reluctant to move away from the few friends I had left but I was ecstatic that John had secured a job and that he would be able to finally contribute to the paying of bills as my belly was growing bigger and soon I would be less able to work as before . So I agreed to the move .
John finally had a job but guess what , he still did not contribute the paying rent for our now 3 bedroom house , nor did he contribute to household bills barring the occasional contribution to food . His stance was always that I earned more than him so how can I expect him to give half of his pay towards maintaining our standard of living . This bullshit was of course unacceptable and I would never tolerate this kind of financial abuse ever again but at the time I feared these arguments escalating into physical violence so I dropped it every time . John spent all of his income on himself with label clothes ,label sunglasses, wining and dining his mistresses ,the works.
EXAMPLE 6
This is a great example of a conditioning tool called, domestication, mostly used to describe how parents condition children into certain behaviours but narcissists are also masters at domestication due to their manipulative manner .
By now John did have money, he always had wads of cash in his wallet . I was raised not to take that which did not belong to me nor to open letters not addressed to me nor to help myself to someone else’s wallet. John used my integrity and honesty to manipulate and domesticate me even more regarding his money. He would often tell me that I was the only woman who never ever took money from his wallet or scratched around in his wallet, that he had so many women who disrespected him by helping themselves to his money when he was not looking . At the time I took that as a compliment of my honesty and integrity because after all I was domesticated by my parents to not steal so John’s clever manipulative praises resulted in continued enforcement of that domestication. He had me exactly where he wanted me with regards to his money. My only regret now is that I did not help myself to his money as I had every right to in reality but it was not in my nature. But damn , if I had to do it all again , I bloody would take every last pound he buried around the house including the wads in his wallet .AND I WOULD ENJOY IT.
Outro message:
Before I go I just need to make some housekeeping announcements :
1.Please check out the podcast page on Instagram, and Facebook :domestic abuse the cutting edge and on Twitter @AbuseEdge where you can leave comments, feedback and questions. You can also find all the episodes and transcripts of this podcast at https://domesticabusethecuttingedge.buzzsprout.com
2.I also have show notes which signposts the National helpline
NATIONAL DOMESTIC ABUSE HELPLINE
0808 2000 267 freephone and confidential
OR leave a message by completing a form on the website : nationaldahelpline.org.uk
3.Please , if you are able to donate to my LISTENER SUPPORT , please go to the podcast website www.domesticabusethecuttingedge.com
and click on the donation link to donate. All donations will go toward setting up a cluster of Support Group for survivors of domestic abuse where victims who have recently left their abusive relationship needing, and will find, life-saving support and understanding from experienced survivors who have been there and done that. I am preparing the manifesto and key principles of the Support Group which will be free of charge. The Group will not be a referral or signposting service nor an advice service, just simply sitting down and supporting and listening to each other , a safe space to grow and develop personal journeys to being totally free of abuse in their lives.
Finally the next episode episode will tackle the topic of family and friends. How the abuse we suffer affects them and how they can support us but also how the perpetrators family are enablers of his abuse.
STAY SAFE . DO NOT WAIT TO REACH OUT FOR HELP.YOUR LIFE MATTERS
Much love and light .This is DOMESTIC ABUSE : THE CUTTING EDGE .I am Maz , your host signing out until next time.
***outro music ***