EPISODE 12 - Codependency

THE TERM CODEPENDENCY: what is codependency by definition , what are the causes of it and what are the signs of codependency and how my codependency play a huge role in becoming a victim of domestic abuse . Well worth the listen.

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OR leave a message by completing a form on the website : nationaldahelpline.org.uk

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Finally the next episode episode will talk about RED FLAGS , what are the red flags and how to spot them .

THE NEW EPISODE WILL BE AVAILABLE EVERY MONDAY 

 Much love and light 
Maz 

Transcript

What is Codependence 

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A warm welcome to all my listeners. This is DOMESTIC ABUSE :THE CUTTING EDGE . I am Maz , your podcast host . I am a domestic abuse survivor and a warrior on a mission to fight the battle to emancipate others who suffer at the hands of their abuser ,victims who are living with the devastation of domestic abuse.

For this episode I need to give a TRIGGER WARNING -some of the detail in this episode will contain descriptions of abuse and violence.

If you have been or are affected by domestic abuse or know someone who may be affected and want to reach out for help please call or email the :

NATIONAL DOMESTIC ABUSE HELPLINE

0808 2000 267 freephone and confidential

OR leave a message by completing a form on the website : nationaldahelpline.org.uk

Codependency is actually a learned behaviour. It's a learnt behaviour often passed down from one generation to the next through observing it in other people, your family members typically, so that means it runs in families. When you are codependent, you have a behavioural and emotional condition that greatly affects you. It can impact your ability to have a mutually satisfying relationship that's healthy.

Sometimes this condition is known as having a relationship addiction. This is because codependent individuals will often form one-sided relationships. These connections are frequently abusive and can become emotional destructive. 

When you are codependent, you are focused on controlling, maintaining and nurturing undesirable behaviours in relationships. A classic example of this in my abusive relationship with John. I protected him from the police by not laying charges and from being arrested for his violent physical abuse .I did not want to destroy his life but in the process of doing so I prevented him from taking consequences for his actions and destroy my life instead

My self-esteem depended on how the John felt. I could not feel good about myself unless he was happy, and that means enabling his behaviour indirectly. As a result, the abuse is reinforced and even encouraged to continue. The same was so for mother enabling my brother’s addiction to alcohol and that behaviour I learnt from her and I also ended up enabling my brother. This does not make enablers bad people, its all they know and stems from childhood trauma, learnt behaviour is a form of survival really.

There are several signs of codependency that you can look for in your own relationships. These include:

• Only feeling a sense of purpose when you've made excessive sacrifices to care for someone else's needs. EG HELPING JOHN GET OUT OF PRISON…..
• Finding it impossible to say no when another person is making constant demands on you.
• Covering for another person when they get into trouble with the law. EG NEVER PRESSING CHARGES AGAINST JOHN WHEN POLICE WAS CALLED OUT …
• Frequently worrying about what other people think of you.
• Feeling as though your relationship has you trapped.
• Remaining silent because you want to avoid arguments and you don't want to rock the boat.
• Feeling that you're not satisfied with your life outside of a specific person.
• Staying with a partner even when you can easily recognize unhealthy behaviours.
• Offering support to another person even though it's causing you physical or mental anguish.
•  

People who are codependent typically experience anxiety more than anything else. Their relationships will be completely centred around two specific things. They'll either be trying to change their partner or trying to conform to their wishes. It's actually a pretty scary place to be. This is one of the reasons why it is so very hard to leave an abusive relationships

Codependency may be caused by several different factors, such as:

• Growing up in a home in which your emotions were punished or even ignored altogether. This can result in you having feelings of low self-esteem or shame. You may believe that your needs are not worth tending to as a result.

And this is certainly perpetuated in an abusive relationship and another reason why victims stay in their harmful relationships for so long.

My self-esteem and shame became so chronic while I was with John attending to his every need and none of my own, that I believed that if John could not love me then no-one will.

• Living in a household where abuse is common. This can refer to emotional or physical abuse. The codependent may find themselves feeling responsible for the abusive person. The codependent becomes the caretaker out of a desire to save that person from themselves, but their own needs take a back seat.

• Codependent parents may attempt to protect their children from experiencing problems or hardships in their lives. They may attempt to control them in a way that will result in the child meeting the parent’s expectations for success.

This leads to lack of self-identity, not learning to have ones own opinions and make ones own choices as it all has to align with those of the codependent parent. It taught me to conform in order to receive love and recognition and that learnt behaviour made me the perfect person to become a victim of domestic abuse.

With the grace of God, I managed to walk away from John after many failed attempts to leave. I knew I could not just run away to the next town or even county, John would never leave us alone. No, I needed to run as far away as possible where he could not reach us. I fled back to my home country 6000 miles away. Unfortunately, not all victims are that lucky to make such a big break away and I think if they all they could. The terror of having to look over your shoulders ever day wondering when your abuser will find you, is unbearable and unsettling. I remember this feeling so vividly after John found out I had return to the UK seven years later. John started a terrifying campaign of unwanted facebook messages, repeated phone calls to my workplace ,to the point of harassment of my receptionists, to outright Stalking of myself and Sam (our child) and threats to kidnap my Sam who was 8 years old by then.

 After a few weeks of arriving back home, PTSD was setting in for me in the form of deep depression, uncontrollable gut-wrenching sobbing as flashbacks of the violent abuse haunted me along with nightmares. I could not eat for about four weeks on end. All I could manage was Coca-cola and smoke cigarettes. All I wanted to do was hide from the world. So, I did hours of daytime sleeping and Sam fell into my daily sleeping pattern. I would get up at 10am, finish a 2 litre coke and smoke a half a packet of cigarettes .By 1pm I would retreat to my room with Sam , sleep for most of the afternoon ,wake up at 5pm , drink another 2 litre coke and another half a pack of cigarettes. Lewis, my eldest brother ,was very supportive with helping me take care of Sam in this time. Night time I would watch mindless TV which perpetuated the numbing of my mind which is what I wanted because with night-time sleeping came the nightmares .I did not want to feel anything ,think of anything or recall anything .I literally became a zombie. Lewis became very concerned after 4 weeks of watching me disappear from the world . When my mother returned from her visit to my sister in Australia, they cahooted in an effort to get me to see a doctor for my depression and PTSD. I commenced treatment with anti-depressants and was referred to a therapist. Within a few months I was in a much better place . I had connected with some childhood friends and my social circle grew , I became stronger within myself .I started enjoying life again , I was smiling again. A small flicker of a flame had sparked in my soul again but I still had many inner battles to fight and many wounds to heal . I met a new friend who was going through a nasty divorce and she introduced me to a 12 Step principle programme called Codependence Anonymous( CoDA). This programme was the first real step to my healing and recovery from the abuse I suffered as a child and as an adult . It helped me move from being victim to observer of my life. I began slowly understanding the concepts of childhood traumas , alcoholsim and the link between it and how you can develop codependency characteristics and traits as a result. 

This programme does not work for everyone as it is rooted in Christianity but I prefer to use the term Spirituality .You surrender to a power greater than yourself , a higher power if you like .The part that worked for me most was having a safe place where a degree of anonymity was upheld ,where I was able to share my experiences without judgement or unsolicited advice on a weekly basis and it is free. CoDA’s structured format allowed me to simply be heard by non -judgmental , accepting group of people. A place where I could externalise my thoughts and become more objective and reflective . Allowing me to rewire my brain with reassurance that I am a worthy and acceptable person. I learnt to be compassionate toward myself . I made many new friends who had similar struggles .The camaraderie raised my spirits and hopes. These friends I made in CoDA became lifetime friends and even after I returned back to the UK , we still keep connected. It grounds me to know we are there for each other no matter where and what time.

Thanks to this incredible programme which I attended every week for 6 years , my life became manageable and my sanity was restored .

Outro message:

Before I go I just need to make some housekeeping announcements :

1.Please check out the podcast page on Instagram,Twitter @AbuseEdge and Facebook where you can leave comments, feedback and questions. You can also find all the episodes and transcripts of this podcast at https://domesticabusethecuttingedge.buzzsprout.com

2.I also have show notes which signposts the National helpline 

NATIONAL DOMESTIC ABUSE HELPLINE

0808 2000 267 freephone and confidential

OR leave a message by completing a form on the website : nationaldahelpline.org.uk

3.Please , if you are able to donate to my LISTENER SUPPORT , please go to the podcast website www.domesticabusethecuttingedge.com

And click on the listener support link to donate. All donations will go toward setting up a cluster of Support Group for survivors of domestic abuse where victims who have recently left their abusive relationship needing, and will find , life-saving support and understanding from experienced survivors who have been there and done that. I am preparing the manifesto and key principles of the Support Group which will be free of charge. The Group will not be a referral or signposting service nor an advice service, just simply sitting down and supporting and listening to each other , a safe space to grow and develop personal journeys to being totally free of abuse in their lives.

Finally the next episode will tackle red flags , what they are and how to spot them.

STAY SAFE . DO NOT WAIT TO REACH OUT FOR HELP.YOUR LIFE MATTERS                                             Much love and light .This is DOMESTIC ABUSE : THE CUTTING EDGE .I am Maz , your host signing out until next time

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