EPISODE 13 : Red Flags

Recognising the red flags , some are very obvious and others far more subtle but equally dangerous signs.

NATIONAL DOMESTIC ABUSE HELPLINE

0808 2000 267 freephone and confidential

OR leave a message by completing a form on the website : nationaldahelpline.org.uk

You can find me on :
www.domesticabusethecuttingedge.com
https://domesticabusethecuttingedge.buzzsprout.com
Twitter - @AbuseEdge
Instagram - domestic abuse : the cutting edge
Facebook -Maz  Bell /Domestic Abuse : The Cutting Edge

Finally the next episode will tackle the most powerful glue that prevent severing an abusive relationship – Trauma bonds . What is trauma bonding and why is it so detrimental?

THE NEW EPISODE WILL BE AVAILABLE EVERY MONDAY 

 Much love and light 
Maz 

Transcript

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A warm welcome to all my listeners. This is DOMESTIC ABUSE :THE CUTTING EDGE . I am Maz , your podcast host . I am a domestic abuse survivor and a warrior on a mission to fight the battle to emancipate others who suffer at the hands of their abuser ,victims who are living with the devastation of domestic abuse.

For this episode I need to give a TRIGGER WARNING -some of the detail in this episode will contain descriptions of abuse and violence.

If you have been or are affected by domestic abuse or know someone who may be affected and want to reach out for help please call or email the :

NATIONAL DOMESTIC ABUSE HELPLINE

0808 2000 267 freephone and confidential

OR leave a message by completing a form on the website : nationaldahelpline.org.uk

It’s not always easy to tell at the beginning of a relationship if it will become abusive.

In fact, many abusers may seem absolutely perfect on the surface, as if they are the dream partner in the early stages of the relationship. Possessive and controlling behaviours don’t always appear overnight, but rather emerge and intensify as the relationship grows.

If you are beginning to feel as if your partner or loved one’s partner is becoming abusive , there are a few behaviour indicators that you can look out for .Watch out for these RED FLAGS and it you are experiencing one or more of them in your relationship ,call the National domestic abuse helpline to talk about what’s going on:

  Quick involvement – whirlwind romance where  

  within a couple of months, you have moved in 

  together, getting engaged or married. You even feel

  pressured into committing to the relationship and feel   

  guilty for wanting to take it at a slower pace 

§  6 months or less before living together/engaged

§  Claims of love at first sight

§  Says you are the only one who can make her/him feel this way

§  Pressure for commitment

• Idolising you in the early stages and pressuring you to commit very quickly.
• Constant messaging and calls.

Once the relationship has been established the following may start to occur:

• Embarrassing or putting you down

• Looking at you or acting in ways that scare you

• Controlling who you see, where you go, or what you do

• Keeping you or discouraging you from seeing your friends or families

• Taking your money or refusing to give you money for expenses

• Preventing you from making your own decisions

• Telling you that you are a bad parent or threatening to harm or take away your children

• Preventing you from working or attending school

• Blaming you for the abuse, or acting like it’s not really happening

• Destroying your property or threatening to hurt or kill your pets

• Intimidating you with guns, knives or other weapons

       Shoving, slapping, choking or hitting you 

• Attempting to stop you from pressing charges

• 
  Threatening to commit suicide because of something you’ve done

• Threatening to hurt or kill you

• Pressuring you to have sex when you don’t want to like initiating sex while you are asleep or demanding sex when you are ill or tired or do things sexually you’re not comfortable with

• Pressuring you to use drugs or alcohol

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• 
  
  Preventing you from using birth control or pressuring you to become pregnant when you’re not ready

o   

Expect you to spend all of your time with him or to "check in" with and let him know where you are?

o   
Act extremely jealous and/or possessive of you?

o   
Treat you with disrespect and put you down?

o   
Put down your dreams, ideas and/or goals?

o   
Lose his temper frequently over little things?

o   
Make you feel as if you are walking on eggshells to keep the peace?

o   
Play mind games or make you feel guilty?

o   Refuse to take responsibility for his actions? Blame you, drugs or alcohol, his boss, parents, etc. for his behaviour?

•           Driving recklessly to scare you 

•        Using force during an argument, like holding you         

                   down or any physical restraining 
           

•   Strangulation -this is a significant red flag for lethal  

               violence 

• Breaking or Striking objects- like breaking sentimental  possessions to punish or                              terrorize you

•       Dual personality – ‘Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde’ shifting  

                 from explosive behaviour to congeniality

•       Blames others for their feelings- common phrases      

                 like “You made me do this to you “, “You make me  

                mad”, “You are hurting my feelings by not     

                 doing what I want”

•   Unrealistic expectations – your partner expects you to  

             meet all his/her needs whether it be emotional or   domestic needs 

•   Advising you how to dress without you asking for advice.

•      Becoming extremely worried or angry when you are late.

• ·       Acting jealously and/or possessively over you.

•     Putting down everyone you know and/or accusing you of cheating. They may say things       like “your family is too controlling or they don’t really love you” or “your friends are using you”.

•   Very hot and cold – nice one minute and exploding the next.

• Odd behaviors like checking your car mileage or asking friends to check in on you

           Makes you ask permission to do certain things

•  Blames Others for everything

•   Makes you responsible for how they feel:

         “You made me mad.”

        “You’re hurting me by not doing what I ask.”

        “I can’t help being angry.”

        “You make me happy.”

        “You control how I feel.”

• Disrespectful or Cruel to Others

         Punishes children/animals cruelly

       Insensitive to pain and suffering

      High expectations of children beyond their abilities

       Tease children or younger sibling until they cry

       Doesn’t treat other people with respect

• Past Battering

        You may hear the person was abusive to someone else they were in a relationship with

         The person may deny it, claiming their ex is crazy or it wasn’t that bad

• Hypersensitivity

             Easily insulted

             Sees everything as personal attacks

              Has a tantrum about the injustice of things that happen to them

             Totally goes off about small irritations

               Looks for fights

                Blows things out of proportion

Questions to Ask

§  Are you in a relationship in which you have been physically hurt or threatened by your partner?

§  Are you in a relationship in which you felt you were treated badly? In what ways?

§  Has your partner ever destroyed things that you care about?

§  Has your partner ever threatened or abused your children?

§  Has your partner ever forced you to have sex when you didn’t want to?

§  What happens when you and your partner disagree?

§  Do you ever feel afraid of your partner?

§  Has your partner ever prevented you from leaving the house, seeing friends, getting a job or continuing your education?

§  If your partner uses drugs/alcohol, how does s/he act? Is s/he ever verbally or physically abusive?

Signs Someone You Know Is Being Abused

Keep an eye out for things like:

• Excuses for injuries
• Personality changes, like low self-esteem in someone who was always confident
• Constantly checking in with their partner
• Never having money on hand
• Overly worried about pleasing their partner
• Skipping out on work, school, or social outings for no clear reason
• Wearing clothes that don’t fit the season, like long sleeves in summer to cover bruises

Are the Signs Different for Men?

They’re often the same. And that’s true whether the abusive partner is a woman or another man. It may be emotional or verbal, like taking away keys, medicines, or other essentials. Or things like constantly putting you down in public or on social media.

And, it can be physical. To make up for differences in strength, abusive partners may try to attack you in your sleep, by surprise, or with weapons and other objects. They may also abuse your children or pets.

Are the Signs Different for the LGBTQ Community?

Again, there’s a lot in common, but the abuse may also target sexual orientation or gender identity. Your abuser may:

• Make excuses for abuse, like it’s just how men or women are or that you wanted it to happen
• Tell you that police or others won’t help because of your gender or orientation
• Tell you that you’re not really how you identify
• Threaten to out you to family, friends, and others

What to Do if You’re Being Abused

First, know that you deserve better and that this isn’t your fault. If you’re in an emergency, call 911.

It can be hard to decide whether to stay or leave. That’s why it may help to start with a call to the National Domestic Violence Helpline 08082000267   Call from a friend’s house or somewhere else where you feel safe.

You can also turn to friends, family, neighbours, your doctor, or your spiritual community.

Also make sure you have an emergency escape plan:

• Hide a set of car keys.
• Pack a bag with keys, extra clothes, important papers, money, and medicines. You might keep it at a friend’s house.
• Have a plan for calling the police in an emergency. You might have a code word so your kids, family, friends, or co-workers know you’re in danger.
• Know where you’ll go and how you’ll get there.

What to Do if You Think Someone Is Being Abused

Say something. You might have your doubts. But if you’re thinking about it, there’s usually a reason. Someone’s life could be in danger.

When you talk to the person, you can:

• Ask if anything is wrong
• Talk specifically about what concerns you
• Listen carefully
• Let the person know you’re always there to talk and that your conversations are always private
• Offer to help
• Support the person’s choices :– 

this is very important, no judgement , just support even if you know it’s the wrong choice. My friend Rita, supported me in every wrong choice I made knowing full well what headspace trauma bonding and the actual abuse was leaving me in , having lived experience of DA ,she knew when and how it would wrong and was there ready to pick me up 

Outro message:

Before I go I just need to make some housekeeping announcements :

1.Please check out the podcast page on Instagram and Facebook at domestic abuse the cutting edge and Maz Bell ,Twitter @AbuseEdge where you can leave comments, feedback and questions. You can also find all the episodes and transcripts of this podcast at https://domesticabusethecuttingedge.buzzsprout.com

2.I also have show notes which signposts the National helpline 

NATIONAL DOMESTIC ABUSE HELPLINE

0808 2000 267 freephone and confidential

OR leave a message by completing a form on the website : nationaldahelpline.org.uk

3.Please , if you are able to donate to my LISTENER SUPPORT , please go to the podcast website www.domesticabusethecuttingedge.com

And click on the listener support link to donate. All donations will go toward setting up a cluster of Support Group for survivors of domestic abuse where victims who have recently left their abusive relationship needing, and will find , life-saving support and understanding from experienced survivors who have been there and done that. I am preparing the manifesto and key principles of the Support Group which will be free of charge. The Group will not be a referral or signposting service nor an advice service, just simply sitting down and supporting and listening to each other , a safe space to grow and develop personal journeys to being totally free of abuse in their lives. 

Finally the next episode will tackle the most powerful glue that prevent severing an abusive relationship – Trauma bonds . What is trauma bonding and why is it so detrimental. 

STAY SAFE . DO NOT WAIT TO REACH OUT FOR HELP.YOUR LIFE MATTERS                                             Much love and light .This is DOMESTIC ABUSE : THE CUTTING EDGE .I am Maz , your host signing out until next time

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