Domestic Abuse:The Cutting Edge

EPISODE 14- TRAUMA BONDS

July 05, 2021 Maz
Domestic Abuse:The Cutting Edge
EPISODE 14- TRAUMA BONDS
Show Notes Transcript


Trauma bonding is as dangerous as the abuse itself and its another super-power for the abuser to use to remain in control of the relationship. We all need to recognise this if we are to ever get anywhere near to eradicating domestic abuse. 

 

NATIONAL DOMESTIC ABUSE HELPLINE

0808 2000 267 freephone and confidential

OR leave a message by completing a form on the website : nationaldahelpline.org.uk

You can find me on :
www.domesticabusethecuttingedge.com
https://domesticabusethecuttingedge.buzzsprout.com
Twitter - @AbuseEdge
Instagram - domestic abuse : the cutting edge
Facebook -Maz  Bell /Domestic Abuse : The Cutting Edge

Finally the next episode  will feature another guest speaker , Jacklena Bentley from Canada , a victim of domestic child abuse and sexual abuse in her home as a child . Jacklena has written her autobiography called Part Truths . so tune in next week for this very heartbreaking shocking lived experience of child abuse  

 

THE NEW EPISODE WILL BE AVAILABLE EVERY MONDAY 

 
Much love and light 
Maz 













EPISODE 14 -Trauma bonds

 

A warm welcome to all my listeners. This is DOMESTIC ABUSE :THE CUTTING EDGE . I am Maz , your podcast host . I am a domestic abuse survivor and a warrior on a mission to fight the battle to emancipate others who suffer at the hands of their abuser ,victims who are living with the devastation of domestic abuse.

For this episode I need to give a TRIGGER WARNING -some of the detail in this episode will contain descriptions of abuse and violence.

 

If you have been or are affected by domestic abuse or know someone who may be affected and want to reach out for help please call or email the :

NATIONAL DOMESTIC ABUSE HELPLINE

0808 2000 267 freephone and confidential

OR leave a message by completing a form on the website : nationaldahelpline.org.uk


Definition : Trauma bonds (also referred to as traumatic bonds) are emotional bonds with an individual that arise from a recurring, cyclical pattern of abuse perpetuated. The process of forming trauma bonds is referred to as trauma bonding or traumatic bonding. Traumatic bonding occurs as the result of ongoing cycles of abuse in which the intermittent reinforcement of reward and punishment creates powerful emotional bonds that are resistant to change. A trauma bond usually involves a victim and a perpetrator in a uni-directional relationship wherein the victim forms an emotional bond with the perpetrator. Two main factors are involved in the establishment of a trauma bond: a power imbalance and intermittent reinforcement of good and bad treatment, or reward and punishment.Trauma bonding can occur in the realms of romantic relationships, parent-child relationships, incestuous relationships, cults, hostage situations, sex trafficking (especially that of minors), 

Trauma bonds are based on terror, domination, and unpredictability. As a trauma bond between an abuser and a victim strengthens and deepens, it leads to conflicting feelings of alarm, numbness, and grief, that show up in a cyclical pattern. More often than not, victims in trauma bonds do not have agency and autonomy, and don't have an individual sense of self either. Their self-image is a derivative and an internalization of the abuser's conceptualization of them.

Trauma bonds have severe detrimental effects on the victim not only while the relationship persists, but beyond that as well. Some long-term impacts of trauma bonding include but are not limited to remaining in abusive relationships, having adverse mental health outcomes like low self-esteem, negative self image, and increased likelihood of depression and bipolar disorder, and perpetuating a trans-generational cycle of abuse. Victims who traumatically bond with their victimizers are often unable to leave these relationships or are only able to do so with significant duress and difficulty. Even among those who do manage to leave, many go back to the abusive relationship due to the pervasiveness of the learned trauma bond.

 

Trauma bonding is therefore a psychological response to trauma. It occurs when an abused person forms an unhealthy bond with the person who abuses them. The patterns of abuse and remorse contributes to the trauma bond. After causing harm an abusive person shows temporary remorse ,promises to change , even becomes kind and loving to make up for their abusive behaviour. This gives the abused person hope that their suffering will end and that one day they will receive the love and connection the abuser has promised so the victim starts to see the abuse and suffering as a price to pay for the crumbs of love and kindness they will receive after every abusive incident. This remorseful behaviour the abuser displays reinforces the idea that in order to receive love abuse must be endured and the victim becomes accustomed to such poor treatment to receive that reward of fleeting kindness. The trauma bond is thus reinforced with every abusive incident.  

Humans form attachments as a means of survival , attachments can be secure or insecure . Trauma bonding is an unhealthy form of attachment and dependence for affection. 

 

The main sign that a person has trauma bonded with their abuser is that they try to justify or defend the abuse and the abuser. The victim will argue with and distance themselves from family , friends or anyone trying to help or become hostile or defensive when someone intervenes or attempts to help like police or bystanders. The victim becomes reluctant or unwilling to take steps to leave the abusive situation or to break the bond as the attachment anxiety exacerbates fear of separation and ending long-term relationships.

The feelings of attachment do not just go away or end when the victim leaves the harmful situation and that is why so many victims return several times. The pain , grief , sense of loss after leaving an abusive relationship is powerful but can be overcome with therapy and recovery programmes. 

Other signs may be 

  • agree with the abusive person’s reasons for treating them badly
  • become defensive or hostile if someone intervenes and attempts to stop the abuse, such as a bystander or police officer
  • be reluctant or unwilling to take steps to leave the abusive situation or break the bond

A person bonded with their abuser might say, for example:

  • “He is only like that because he loves me so much — you would not understand.”
  • “She is under a lot of pressure at work, she cannot help it. She will make it up to me later.”
  • “I will not leave him, he is the love of my life. You are just jealous.”
  • “It is my fault — I make them angry.”

It is worth noting that these feelings of attachment do not necessarily end when the person leaves the harmful situation. A person may still feel loyal or loving toward the person who abused them or feel tempted to return.

 

I was intensely trauma bonded to John , especially because we had a child. I always had this idea that the love of a child and being a family can change everything and everyone but I was so, so very wrong. It  was never my or Sam’s responsibility to love or change John. It was John’s responsibility to love Sam enough to change himself. 

I can now recognise and acknowledge all the signs that were there to indicate I was trauma bonded to John with an extreme degree during and immediately after the relationship. 

I fiercely protected him from the police so many times , refusing to press charges against him several times because I did not want to see him suffer. I was very defensive and shut myself down when the caseworker at the Sunflower Centre attempted to support me because my absolute fear of separation from John was intensified with the thought of intervention . Although I still do believe the case-worker should have known and have been adequately trained in recognising the indicators of trauma bonding and she should not have given up on me on the first round, which she did and that was detrimental to me and Sam as the violence continued to escalate. 

I was very defensive and argumentative with my family when they raised concerns about John’s behaviour and suspected abuse. My trauma bond to John was so powerful that I did distance and disconnect myself from anyone that dared to raise any concerns about John’s abusive nature .I remember I told my eldest brother about John being on remand in Wormwood Scrubs very early into the relationship , he was gobsmacked and astounded by my dismissive ,non-chalant attitude about it and it was concerning for him so far away from me he felt he could not get through to my blind infatuation .He must have contacted our younger sister in Australia to verbalise his frustration with it all. John had already been released from prison and moved in with me and I can’t remember but I might have already found out I was pregnant when I received a letter from her raising her and my brother’s concerns for my well-being and questioning the character of John. Now to this day I have zero recollection of this letter and what conversation followed with my sister , that’s how the powerful the mind is with blocking trauma and pain . The entire scenario has been narrated and refreshed to my mind through my sister’s memory of events . Caz ,my younger sister, said upon receiving the letter I went mental on her , screaming down the phone for her to mind her own business and then I proceeded to rip up her letter in fury. My insecure attachment to John had already been solidified, after all I rescued him from prison , I was his saviour. Neither my sister or my family ,even myself ,understood let alone knew anything about the effects of trauma bonding at the time ,so they felt helpless and frustrated with my behaviour.

Now that this life-threatening bond has been severed I reflect back on this narrative and I just cannot reconcile who I am now and who I was while under the influence of that trauma bond to John. I now more than ever with the understanding I have form my lived experience of domestic abuse and traumatic bonding , question whether such traumatic bonds can lead to lack of mental capacity to make decisions for one’s self and one’s child? Could I confidentally  weigh up  and understand the risks and benefits of any life choices or decisions made or actions I took? I am a Health Care Professional with safeguarding responsibilities being part of my daily role. My professional opinion of my ‘victim of domestic abuse’ self ( my old self) is that I possibly did lack mental capacity due to repeated daily trauma and traumatic bonding to my narcissitic abuser. 

Not that any of my colleagues or any of the Health Care Professionals who attended to me throughout my pregnancy  ever noticed or bothered to notice the indicators and signs of domestic abuse ,and there were physical and behavioural indicators to notice , trust me! In the scenario that a sharp-eyed Health Care Professional would have had a safeguarding concern that they wanted to raise , should they have assessed me as having mental capacity to consent to or decline consent to raise that safeguarding concern ? Should Confidentiality have been upheld over raising a section 42 Safeguarding concern if I was to decline my consent to do so ? 

 A heavily loaded question right ?

 But if I was that Health Care Professional today facing the traumatised, abused Maz then I would declared her as having lack of mental capacity to decline consent and I would go ahead and raise the Safeguarding concern. Because survivor Maz knows that victim Maz would never have consented to raising that safeguarding concern. Her traumatic bonding to John would have fiercely kicked in to remove the threat of separation from him, to protect him and justify his actions at any cost to herself. It is very hard and painful to acknowledge this to myself but I would be foolish if I did not. And I am not judging anyone else but myself here through the lens of a survivor of domestic abuse as well as through the lens of a Health Care Professional who makes safeguarding personal with professional curiosity.

  

Breaking a trauma bond can be challenging and may take time, but it is possible. 

Focus on the present: Hope that an abusive person will change or nostalgia for good times in the past can keep people in their trauma bonds. Try to acknowledge what is currently happening and the impact that it has by pausing to reflect on it. If it is safe to do so, keep a diary.

  • Focus on the evidence: If a person continues to abuse or takes no steps to get help, stay focused on this, rather than on their promises about the future.
  • Practice positive self-talk: Abuse can lower a person’s self-esteem and make them feel that they cannot be without the abusive person. Noticing negative self-talk and challenging with positive alternatives can start to change this.
  • Practice self-care: Taking care of oneself may help relieve some stress and reduce the desire to turn to an abusive person for comfort. Journaling, meditation, exercise, hobbies, prayer, or talking to trusted friends can help.

If possible,:

  • Learn about abusive and toxic relationships in order to spot the signs early and reinforce that they are not healthy.
  • Learn what healthy relationships look like and seek them out.
  • Create a plan to improve safety and make it possible to leave.


Safety planning

Safety plans include personalized steps that an individual can take to protect themselves physically and emotionally. The plan may include:

  • safe places where someone can go to protect themselves, children, or pets from violence
  • names and contact information for people who provide support
  • information about local organizations and services
  • a way to gather evidence of the abuse, such as a journal with events and dates that a person keeps in a safe place
  • a plan to leave, considering factors such as money, a safe place to live, and work
  • a plan for staying safe after leaving, which may include changing locks and phone numbers, altering working hours, and pursuing legal action


Recovery from abuse

The trauma of abuse can have lasting effects on mental and physical health. No one has to cope with this alone. The following approaches may help people understand their experiences and address related issues, such as anxiety or depression.


Therapy

A person may experience pain, a sense of loss, and grief after escaping an abusive situation.

An understanding therapist, counsellor, or support worker can help someone work through this. It may help to find a therapist who has experience with trauma and abuse survivors. This is very important to find the right therapist . My first therapist didi not understand how powerful my traumatic bonding to John was even though I was 6000miles away ,she threatened to put me in hospital if I did not start eating . Whena victim feels threatened ,game over , they shut down at least that’s what happened to me . That again was due to the power of my trauma bonds to John. I was still at the stage of post- separation where I was planning to reunite with John, being without my abuser was unbearable. I know  it sounds preposterous but that’s what trauma bonding does to the victims state of mind ,that’s how powerfult trauma bonding is.

A compatible therapist , with extensive domestic abuse knowledge , can provide a safe space to talk about all thoughts, feelings, and experiences. They can also identify and treat conditions that may develop as a result of abuse, such as post-traumatic stress disorder, known as PTSD.


Support groups

Support groups offer abuse survivors places to share their stories with others who understand. This can help a person feel less alone and remind them that there are others who care. I  attended the CODA group for over 5 years and it saved my life as I discussed I a previous episode on Co-dependence .

People in support groups may also share tips on coping and staying safe, and provide other practical advice about moving on from an abusive situation.

 


Medication

If a person develops an anxiety disorder or depression as a result of abuse, medications may help relieve some of the symptoms. Anyone interested can discuss this option with a doctor.

 

Traumatic bonding is as dangerous as the abuse itself and its another super-power for the abuser to use to remain in control of the relationship. We all need to recognise this if we are to ever get anywhere near to eradicating domestic abuse. 

 

Outro message:

Before I go I just need to make some housekeeping announcements :

 

 

1.Please check out the podcast page on Instagram,Twitter @AbuseEdge and Facebook where you can leave comments, feedback and questions. You can also find all the episodes and transcripts of this podcast at https://domesticabusethecuttingedge.buzzsprout.com

 

2.I also have show notes which signposts the National helpline 

NATIONAL DOMESTIC ABUSE HELPLINE

0808 2000 267 freephone and confidential

OR leave a message by completing a form on the website : nationaldahelpline.org.uk

 

3.Please , if you are able to donate to my LISTENER SUPPORT , please go to the podcast website www.domesticabusethecuttingedge.com

And click on the listener support link to donate. All donations will go toward setting up a cluster of Support Group for survivors of domestic abuse where victims who have recently left their abusive relationship needing, and will find , life-saving support and understanding from experienced survivors who have been there and done that. I am preparing the manifesto and key principles of the Support Group which will be free of charge. The Group will not be a referral or signposting service nor an advice service, just simply sitting down and supporting and listening to each other , a safe space to grow and develop personal journeys to being totally free of abuse in their lives.

 

 

 

Finally the next episode  will feature another guest speaker , Jacklena Bentley from Canada , a victim of domestic child abuse and sexual abuse in her home as a child . Jacklena has written her autobiography called Part Truths . so tune in next week for this very heartbreaking shocking lived experience of child abuse  

 

STAY SAFE . DO NOT WAIT TO REACH OUT FOR HELP.YOUR LIFE MATTERS                                             Much love and light .This is DOMESTIC ABUSE : THE CUTTING EDGE .I am Maz , your host signing out until next time

***outro music ***