EPISODE 15 - Present day Maz vs Present day John

TO THIS DAY EVERYTHING ABOUT ME HAS CHANGE AND TO THIS DAY NOTHING HAS CHANGED ABOUT JOHN. MY JOURNEY OF RECOVERY FROM THE ABUSE HAS BEEN PROFOUND IN EVERY WAY.

NATIONAL DOMESTIC ABUSE HELPLINE

0808 2000 267 freephone and confidential

OR leave a message by completing a form on the website : nationaldahelpline.org.uk

You can find me on :
www.domesticabusethecuttingedge.com
https://domesticabusethecuttingedge.buzzsprout.com
Twitter - @AbuseEdge
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Facebook -Maz  Bell /Domestic Abuse : The Cutting Edge

Finally the next episode be a taster of what I hold in store for Season 2 of my podcast . Come back and listen next week .

A NEW EPISODE WILL BE AVAILABLE  EVERYMONDAY  

Transcript

– present day Maz vs present day John

***intro music***

A warm welcome to all my listeners. This is DOMESTIC ABUSE :THE CUTTING EDGE . I am Maz , your podcast host . I am a domestic abuse survivor and a warrior on a mission to fight the battle to emancipate others who suffer at the hands of their abuser ,victims who are living with the devastation of domestic abuse.

For this episode I need to give a TRIGGER WARNING -some of the detail in this episode will contain descriptions of abuse and violence.

If you have been or are affected by domestic abuse or know someone who may be affected and want to reach out for help please call or email the :

NATIONAL DOMESTIC ABUSE HELPLINE

0808 2000 267 freephone and confidential

OR leave a message by completing a form on the website : nationaldahelpline.org.u 

Present day Maz

 To this day everything about me has changed. I am no longer a victim of domestic abuse but a survivor, yet we will always be one entity. I have picked up every tiny shard of my life and pieced it back together into something even more spectacular than it was before. And the fragments that I could not find has left unusually shaped gaps for light to cut through so that darkness can never overcome me ever again and my true colours can shiny  through.

 The truth is it was a fucking hard and painful journey to recovery. The withdrawal from my trauma bonds to John felt like what I would imagine it would be to go through rapid detox with opiate blockers without general anaesthetic. After that horror I had to walk the earth not knowing who ‘Maz’ was for a long time and it robbed me of my best years, I was only 36 years old. John did more than abuse me, post-separation he robbed me of all the life-experiences a 36-year-old is supposed to celebrate like the love of a man, family unity, heightened relationship intimacy. You see, it took the first couple of years to mourn and grief John, then it took another 5 years of recovery programmes followed by relocating back to the UK only to have to battle John in Court to prevent post-separation abuse, which took another 3 years. Ending with the last 3 years where I finally coming into my own , forging a phoenix risen from the flames. That’s 13 years of my prime life he robbed me of. I was a broken, traumatised single mother having to financial provide for my child while face my trauma and rebuilding my life .All the while I had the duty of protecting my child from the same devastating theft John had perpetrator for Sam.I had a few suitors along the way but I was too traumatised and terrified to love and trust a man again and I had to build my empire to support my and Sam’s life , work on my recovery , be a mother and a father , there was no room for me to risk our lives again . The truth is for a very long time, actually until this day and I am 50 now, I was not sure that I could trust myself to make healthy choices when it came to intimate relationships with men. My best defence was to abstain from entering such relationships until I could trust myself never to lose my self-identity again. As the years went on it became harder and harder for me to open myself up to the notion of romantic love. I became so self-reliant, never to be vulnerable ever again, and so fiercely independent that I was unable to give myself permission to be open to the possibility. Now at 50 years of age, I look in the mirror and see the slight wrinkles around my dark-ringed eyes, the loss of elasticity in the skin of my neck just below my chin, the grey hair and my sagging boobs and I wonder who would love me now? The last time I had enjoyable intimacy was 11 years ago, a momentary attraction as part of my self -discovery. I dedicated my life to giving Sam the best life and opportunities a single mother could muster, private schools, music lessons, drama lessons, vacations, birthday parties, a stable home. The gaps in-between I took to heal myself. I did not have the capacity to take on the responsibility of another person’s needs. Now at 50 , I have become so accustomed to putting my needs and the needs of my child first that I have forgotten how to be a women , sensual with a touch of  vulnerability. In fact, I never known how to be a sensual woman who knew her own sexuality and needs. I was also a chameleon with this aspect of myself all my life and I attribute that to my childhood trauma of sexual abuse. I look in the mirror again at my 50-year-old self and I grief this part of her that was taken from me. In my mind I feel 36 years old but in the mirror, I see the 50 year old woman staring back at my tight skinned younger self lthat lives in my head. How am I supposed to find my sexual essence at the age of 50! How and where will I find a man that I can trust to walk with me on this journey allowing me to feel safe in my exploration. I look in the mirror again and I resent and despise John for not being the man he should have been for both Sam and I. 

The journey of self-discovery was that of climbing a pyramid.

I had to learn simple things like what does Maz prefer eggs benedict or fried, Dr.Pepper or Coco cola , Marmite or Bovril , you get where I am going ? For 36 years I had been a masterful chameleon, if you liked your toast burnt or your coffee black, so did I. It was easier that way, to moderate the temperature in the room and blend in. The discovering of who I am as a woman, my sensuality, my sexuality was more difficult a task and still incomplete, John had destroyed that for me. I had lost all my confidence because I always only did what he needed for so long that I no longer knew what I needed or even how to ask. Who is Maz the woman? Am I Maria in Paulo Coelho’s bestselling novel, Eleven Minutes, who had gone on an odyssey of self -discovery pursuing a path of dark sexual pleasure to understand sacred sex or would I like to hang from the ceiling like Anastasia in 50 Shades of grey or do I really just like the comfortable missionary position ? I was petrified to find out and honestly my self-worth was not strong enough yet to entertain the idea of sexual self -discovery . I was and still am afraid to be intimate with any man ever again. I could not survive another brutal relationship in whatever shape or form. I was terrified of allowing myself to love a man ever again, the betrayal and brutally of John had crushed and burned me beyond return . But now I have a place deep inside of me that knows and understands everything ,a place where I can be calm , serene and sure . Love is coming but there are things I have to do first , on my own ,like this podcast , like write my autobiography ,which I have completed actually , sowatch this space ! and in the process I am learning to  accept and  love myself  above all else and all others. The Love of a man will follow . For some women the journey is to know the love of a man for others its to know the love of a child and for the lucky few they get to know the love of both. For the past fourteen years it was for me to profoundly know the love of a child but my journey has just begun and who knows what lies ahead. 

My biggest life lesson at the moment is to learn how to disarm and disengage the narcissist . John has continued the post separation abuse since 2015 when he discovered we had returned to the UK. Countless harassment calls and messages even though he has been with Eileen for possibly 2 years or more and they have a one year old daughter . While we lived 9000km away he never once called or wrote a card for Sam on her birthday, the geography was too much effort and he was too busy having fun. Since we returned to the UK the convenience and possibility of narcissitic supply was too much for him to resist. John started calling Sam on birthdays since 2018 and my answer has always been NO, because I knew his gesture was not to fulfil Sam’s needs but only his own needs and Sam is not responsible for his narcissistic needs ever. Last year 2020 he sent me a text message asking me to supply him with my address so that he can send Sam a gift in the post ,( “Are you for real! Like, why would I ever let you know of our whereabouts!)   . But the joke about that was that he withheld the  monthly ( I use this term loosely for him)£50 child maintenance as he pleased most of the year but suddenly he has money to buy elaborate gifts to send in an attempt to show what an awesome, generous father he is. That gift sending was for his own narcissitic supply not to show love to Sam.

So I simply ignored the text, deleted it and never responded. I slowly realised that explaining all this to John was pointless , he would never “get it” , because he is too self-absorbed in finding his next feed of energy. I slowly became very aware that the best way to communicate with a narcissist is not to communicate at all , DO NOT ENGAGE . When you start engaging with them they plug themselves into your energy supply allowing the emotional manipulation, devaluing and invalidating abuse to take hold and spread as they simultaneously suck the life out of you.  And before you know it you have been retraumatised, in tears in a corner wondering how does this motherfucker do this to me after all these years!

Do not respond to the messages , block the calls. Not responding to John’s demands is like sticking kryptonite up his arse. But you need a shit load of it as they are persistent little buggers and it is not always easy to remain disconnect or detached especially if you share children. 

Minus the remnants of obvious anger and frustration with John’s post separation harassment, my truth is that I do not love him anymore ,the spell has been broken. 

Do I still fear him? 

To be perfectly honest , YES, not with the same intensity because I live a different life and I am a whole new fierce woman. But yes I do still remember the feeling of the fear of him. Time passes but the memories of the trauma lingers like a smell of rotten food. I can smell that rot in his text messages and phone calls. It takes me back for a just a few seconds to remind me , never to forget, to be on guard at all times  

Do I fear ever having to see him face to face and engage in conversation with him ? 

YES, yes I do, but not because I fear his ability to control and manipulate or am in fear of reliving the trauma or fear that I may lose myself in his eyes or not be able to articulate my boundaries .   

Then Why ? 

Because I know that John still firmly believes he can control and manipulate me in away way ,shape or form even though I have shown him my strength, firm boundaries and rejected him so many times in the last 8 years . John will never stop pursuing contact with me because in his narcissistic mind I have something that belongs to him, Sam.

Because I cannot be sure how far he would go with his hands or fists if I stand in front of him and say NO. He is a dangerous man and has never shown any signs of self-control ,remorse or rehabilitation. He will always be the wolf in sheeps’ clothing. 

Do I have  sleepless nights over this ?

Oh hell no! I am not afraid of my ability to be free . I have embraced it and learn new ways to continue to be free every day. My meaning is that I simply refuse to put myself in harmful situations ever again when it comes to John or anyone else for that matter. 

I have had profound spiritual growth in the last year especially since the Covid-19 pandemic gave me the time-freedom to explore my true essence, my life purpose. I have aligned myself with my Divine guidance and it has lead me to write my story ,show my vulnerabilities, my shame , my humiliations and my truth. I could not speak my truth all these years because I thought I had no right to and who would care. Plus ,I was not fully ready until now to face the absolute horror that I survived so miraculously. 

Narrating my survivor story was by no means an easy journey , it was brutal . I thought I had worked through all my trauma with all the recovery programmes I had completed but this auto-biography was my greatest recovery programme. There was still layers to peel and over the last six months I had two or three episodes of PTSD were I had re-traumatised myself . The first time was within the first few chapters .I was spuing out every detail like it was automatic writing .When I stopped to read it back , the reality of the violent abuse I survived hit me hard . How the fuck was this me ,I thought? I started hyperventilating , an almighty wailing cry came out of my throat , like it was stuck there waiting to be dislodged for too long . The sound vibrated through my entire body , leaving me shaking and curled up in the foetus position on my couch. I could not breathe , all I could feel was the hammering of his boots on my head and back, fists pounding my face and memory of the lack of air as he strangled me so many times, the knife , the gun it all came flooding in. I relived every minute of the fear and struggle to survive. I could not come out of the episode . I managed to call my sister , I was unable to speak a full word , let alone a sentence. My sister was alarmed , she thought I had been in a car accident , that’s how bad it was. My sister stayed on the phone with me for about 20 minutes, talking me down. It was a cathartic moment for me as I realised how much pain and trauma I still carrying in the depths of my soul ,that’s were I buried all that trauma , it had to be purged .I realised that this book was part of my healing process . I had never allowed myself to speak of the unrelenting, savage abuse I suffered in fear of judgement of others and backlash from John ( which I am sure will come and not to mention his denial of it .But I no longer feel the need to protect him as I did so many times during our abusive relationship). I had the unconditional support of my family and friends after the PTSD episode. I talked it through with my brother ,my sister  and my close friends ,they know who they are . 

I no longer suffer that life of abuse. I know this sounds like a loaded gun for some but I firmly believe that I had to walk the path to reach the point of self-actualisation and elevation to my higher-self in order to fulfil my life purpose as a warrior fighting to eradicate domestic abuse as part of a Greater Design. I needed to have had the lived -experience of domestic abuse to have the insight to lead other victims to freedom.

The self actualisation and elevation of self has taken me to greater heights of the understanding of a Higher Power. So much so that with the purging of my pain, anquish and trauma I suffered and  poured out into this autobiography , I have reached the point of celestial freedom where I can forgive John .Let me be clear not exonerate him, forgive him. And I do not mean meet up with him ,hug him and say ,I forgive you. I am not forgiving for his sake,I am doing it for my and Sam’s sake. The forgiveness I am talking about is the power of LETTING GO , releasing myself from the intensely negative karmic energy I absorbed from John during our relationship and returning it to the sender, John. And not with hate, malice or vicious intent just with universal love that allows his karma to be his not mine. I recognise now that there is a place deep inside of me that knows all things ,where I can be calm, sure and serene and I know where my karma is leading me. John and I will not be walking down the same life-path. Life with John was like being on a merry-go -round of destruction but I have jumped off that merry-go-round and I am no longer spinning. I am living.For the first time in my life I am living an authentic life in the dawn of the metamorphosis into my True Self. 

Present day John        

To this day John has never changed , he is still the narcissist he has always been. He is still trying to emotionally and financially control me and now Sam too. Even though it has been 13 years since I left him, even though he has another woman by his side and another child ( his fourth child with four different woman). He remains relentless in pursuing Sam and I and I know that it will never end unless we run back to the far corners of the world . Why is he still pursuing us? Because he can , because there is no law stopping him from doing so ,because he can and he will. His need for narcissitic supply is bottomless .He considers his victims past or present as a ‘eat all you can buffet’. His declaration of love for a child he has never known or sacrificed for is not real love , its fake love , egostically love who’s only interest is to best serve his needs not theirs. He wants to be heralded the greatest dad of all time without the inexhaustible input that a child needs from a parent .John wants maximum input with zero output , its his Modus Operadus. In 2019 , he sends a pair of Nike trainers with his eldest daughter ,who at this point he has managed to completely alienate himself from her due to him being mentally and physically abusive toward her within one month of meeting her for the very first time in her life. She was 18 when she travelled across the world to meet the man she had idolised for all of her childhood without ever knowing him. And within a month he managed to pin her to the wall. Back to the trainers , he sent the trainers to Sam as a birthday gift without gaining my permission first . Sam had wanted these ridiculously expensive trainers for months and I just could not afford it with the amount of money I was spending on education. I had told Sam sometimes in life we have to wait for things that were considered luxury items , trying to teach Sam that instant gratification was not rewarding . I was bubbling over like a witches cauldron at this shitty move so I simply had Sam believe that it was a gift from sister .There was no way I was going to make him the hero when he had been an absent parent all of Sam’s life . 

Constant phone calls from withheld number to wear me down and bully me into ignoring the court order and allowing him to have contact with Sam continued despite my consistent responses of “HELL NO”. The mere fact that he perpetuated the harassment despite my firewall was enough for me to know he has not changed one single bit , hence the saying a leopard never changes it spots , that’s’ John , that’s any narcissist. And when John realised I was one nut that he would not be able to crack anymore , what did he do ? Take a guess ….

You got it ! He manipulated and convinced his current partner ( lets call her Eileen),mother of Sam’s third sibling , to call me and appeal to the victim he still thought I was. He used Eileen to try to manipulate me into believing that John was a reformed man full of repent and remorse. Praise the Lord, hallelujah ! Say it all together now people ! 

Only about 18 months ago John’s eldest daughter who had come to the UK to live with them had told me how Eileen and John had scary arguments and that Eileen wanted to leave John on several occasions but he emotionally manipulated  her into staying every time. When I questioned Eileen about the abuse toward his eldest daughter , her response to me was that it was a teenagers fault for angering her father enough for him to pin her to the wall and raise his fists at her ! 

Well my Dear Eileen, just remember this logic when he has your daughter by her throat in 16 years time ! 

Anyhow , Eileen goes on to tell me that she knows John has changed because he told her the truth about all the horrific , violent things he had ever done to all the mothers of children and left nothing out because he said he is remorseful and everyone deserves a second chances in life . Well Dear Eileen , you are his sixth chance not his second , wake up and smell the blood on his hands! 

Outro message:

Before I go I just need to make some housekeeping announcements :

1.Please check out the podcast page on Instagram,Twitter @AbuseEdge and Facebook where you can leave comments, feedback and questions. You can also find all the episodes and transcripts of this podcast at https://domesticabusethecuttingedge.buzzsprout.com

2.I also have show notes which signposts the National helpline 

NATIONAL DOMESTIC ABUSE HELPLINE

0808 2000 267 freephone and confidential

OR leave a message by completing a form on the website : nationaldahelpline.org.uk

3.Please , if you are able to donate to my LISTENER SUPPORT , please go to the podcast website www.domesticabusethecuttingedge.com

And click on the listener support link to donate. All donations will go toward setting up a cluster of Support Group for survivors of domestic abuse where victims who have recently left their abusive relationship needing, and will find , life-saving support and understanding from experienced survivors who have been there and done that. I am preparing the manifesto and key principles of the Support Group which will be free of charge. The Group will not be a referral or signposting service nor an advice service, just simply sitting down and supporting and listening to each other , a safe space to grow and develop personal journeys to being totally free of abuse in their lives.

Finally the next episode be a taster of what I hold in store for Season 2 of my podcast . Come back and listen next week .

STAY SAFE . DO NOT WAIT TO REACH OUT FOR HELP.YOUR LIFE MATTERS                                             Much love and light .This is DOMESTIC ABUSE : THE CUTTING EDGE .I am Maz , your host signing out until next time

***outro music ***