EPISODE 7 : BLUE LIGHTS AND WHITE WIGS

I am dedicating this episode to how the system failed me, and my child .My focus will be mostly on how the police failed us  in 2006-2007 and again in 2015 -2018. 

If you have been or are affected by domestic abuse or know someone who may be affected and want to reach out for help please call or email the :

NATIONAL DOMESTIC ABUSE HELPLINE

0808 2000 267 freephone and confidential

OR leave a message by completing a form on the website : nationaldahelpline.org.uk

You can find me on :
www.domesticabusethecuttingedge.com
https://domesticabusethecuttingedge.buzzsprout.com
Twitter - @AbuseEdge
Instagram - domestic abuse : the cutting edge
Facebook -Maz  Bell /Domestic Abuse : The Cutting Edge

Finally the next episode will feature another guest speaker , Natasha Saunders, who is a survivor, a mother  and wife ,a DA champion and a public speaker. Natasha help lead the Naked Threat campaign all the way to the DA Bill.
THE NEW EPISODE WILL BE AVAILABLE EVERY MONDAY 

Transcript

A warm welcome to all my listeners. This is DOMESTIC ABUSE :THE CUTTING EDGE . I am Maz , your podcast host . I am a domestic abuse survivor and a warrior on a mission to fight the battle to emancipate others who suffer at the hands of their abuser, victims who are living with the devastation of domestic abuse.

For this episode I need to give a TRIGGER WARNING -some of the detail in this episode will contain descriptions of abuse and violence.

If you have been or are affected by domestic abuse or know someone who may be affected and want to reach out for help please call or email the :

NATIONAL DOMESTIC ABUSE HELPLINE

0808 2000 267 freephone and confidential

OR leave a message by completing a form on the website : nationaldahelpline.org.uk

I am dedicating this episode to how the system failed me, and my child. By the system I mean the police, doctors, midwives, from 2006-2007 and again in 2015 -2018.

My abuse took place in 2005-2008, sadly my memories of the police involvement in my DA case was that of abandonment and lack of protection. Their actions and approach were not positive at all for the most part. Looking back with survivor eyes, the police and the system totally failed me and my unborn baby.  In fact, the lack of police action strengthened John’s arrogance and enabled him to continue his violent abuse without consequence, making him even more dangerous and increasing the risk of fatality for both my unborn baby and I. The police failed my child and I again in 2015-2017 and in 2018. How confident can victims be to leave the abusive home to find safety if they do not have the unconditional, unquestionable support and protection of the police.

To be clear, this is my opinion and my lived experience of the police however police also did not have much power back in 2006 to take action unless the victim made a formal complaint and statement. They could not arrest a perpetrator of domestic abuse unless the victim made that formal complaint and statement. Today things look very different with the DA Bill introducing the Domestic abuse protection order and   Domestic abuse protection notice giving police far more power to protect victims of domestic abuse. If these were in place in the time I suffered DA back in 2006 ,my survival would have been expediated and far less traumatic. I will talk about the DAPO and DAPN later in in this episode.  

As I told you before victims of DA will always protect the abuser as part of self-preservation and fear. Most significantly, victims love their abusers, in the hope that they will change one day through the love and protection the abuser receives from them. It is a very hard concept to fathom, but all victims of DA will be nodding their heads upon hearing this statement. It is also partly because victims of DA become desensitized to the level of violence and abuse and over time believe that is all they deserve, it becomes ‘normal’. Victims also live-in hope that deep down the abuser does love them but of course narcissists only love themselves and are not capable of healthy expressions of love, they mimic expressions of love to control and maintain power.

The thing that the police did not and still does not understand is that victims manage the abusers controlling, violent behaviour through making excuses for them or by fiercely defending them, it’s the victims’ way of  self-preservation , its fear. And that fear IS visible to a trained eye but at the time of my abuse it was clear that the police did not have that extent of training. They did not know how to spot invisible bruises or invisible communication for help from the victim. In my case, the police did not stay for more than 10 minutes and no risk assessment questions were asked, they did not return the next day to check up on me or see if they could catch me alone to be able to make a proper risk assessment and ask the questions , they just left and that was that .John always felt more powerful after because he believed he fooled the police. He had me gripped in fear and realised there really was no consequences for his abuse toward me so he could just carry on and he did, and the severity of the violence escalated.

A typical victim’s response to persistent cycle of abuse is fierce protection of their abuser due to powerful trauma bonds and the need for self-preservation. It really is impossible to comprehend this if you have not been in an abuse relationship. Even harder to digest and process, as a survivor looking back, because the victim-self is a very different person to the survivor-self. The thoughts of “if I had a redo I would have done x instead of y “ is a painful fact to live with, an unnecessary feeling of shame for not having the courage and strength to doing “x” .However no judgement should be made of the victim . The deeper, powerful psychology wrapped around this trauma bond is a chapter on its own.

Here is an example of policing of DA back in 2006. The police arrives to a scene of obvious violence, with ,like in my story, an entire kitchen backdoor shattered to pieces on the floor. It was a no-brainer for anyone that DA was at hand but back in those days, police had very little knowledge of the cycle and psychology behind DA , or so it seemed, they also did not have the power to arrest a perpetrator for DA without a formal complaint and statement from the  victim.  After observing the kitchen door on the floor, they escorted John to the police vehicle with one officer remaining behind with me. He asked me if I want to press charges against John. I hesitated but responded with a NO. The officer explained that they cannot press criminal charges without me making a formal complaint against him and completing a statement .The officer struggle to understand why I would defend and protect John in this manner , He knew the consequences of my decision .They could arrest and hold him for 24 hours but if they did not have a formal complaint and statement from me they could not proceed with charging him and would have to send him off with a warning . I could see the frustration and concern on the officer’s face while he tried his best to help me understand that John would not be held without charge but what he lacked was understanding that the intensity of my trauma bonding to John was near impossible to break unless he could take the decision out of my hands. John would be free to return to the house despite the warning that was given to him to stay away. The truth of it is that for almost all victims arriving at this point, is that they are terrified of retaliation from the abuser. The victim is in a trauma bond with the abuser feeling guilty for deciding his fate to a prison sentence. Victims almost always protect their abuser out of misplaced love and loyalty, self-preservation, guilt feelings after months to years of manipulation and this is enhanced when there are children involved . It is a near impossible cycle of thought to break. 

Present day, thankfully, laws have changed which takes the burden off the victim, taking away the instinctive tendency to protect the abuser.  Today, if an officer finds a reasonable grounds to justify an arrest, the police could do so without the “permission” or insisting on a statement from the victim first, although they do need to take one later .Police also no longer need to witness an assault , if they suspect an arrestable offence has been committed , they can arrest the abuser . This is a very strong move in protecting traumatised victims. In hindsight I wish this could have been the case back in 2007, since it means that John would have served time for his repeated acts of abuse toward me and several women before me. It would have also prevented him from abusing several more after me. 

The law cannot put all the burden on a chronically traumatised victim to be the only strength of a prosecution case. To eradicate DA, police need as much power as possible to remove the burden from the victim. Our children need protecting, nurturing and educating to prevent them from becoming broken adults and increase risk of either becoming an abuser or being abused. 

Thankfully the DA Bill is at Royal Assent and following proposals have already been passed:

1.Perpertrator programmes

2. Non-fatal strangulation as a specific stand-alone offence 

3.Inclusion of children witnessing DA as victims

4.Review of the need to change the legal presumption of contact for perpetrators with their children 

5. Domestic abuse protection notice ( DAPN)– this give police the power to give immediate protection to victims after an incident  for example police can request that the perpetrator leaves the victims home for up to 48 hours

6.Domestic abuse protection order (DAPO)- gives the police to take long-term, flexible protection for victims, for example prohibiting the perpetrator from making contact with the victim and                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           a breach of DAPO will be a criminal offence and the new DAPO can be applied for and recognised in both criminal and civil court.

 The DAPN and DAPO is a very welcome addition to the DA bill and if it had existed when I lived through my abuse, John would have done the time for the crime.

The there is Clare’s law a Domestic Violence Disclosure Scheme. It's named after Clare Wood, who was murdered in 2009 by her ex-boyfriend who had a history of violence against women. The scheme allows you to ask police about the information they hold on a person in relation to domestic abuse offences and convictions.“The right to ask” and “The right to know”. If police checks show that the individual has a record of violent behaviour or something that may put you at risk of harm, they will consider sharing this with you.

I would like to raise the issue of Stalking, the gateway to escalation of abuse and violence post separation. It is terrifying and can lead increased risk of serious harm, especially from an ex-abusive partner. It’s part of the post separation abuse. After 8 years of separation in different countries without any form of contact or financial support during that time, John found me on my return to the UK. He accosted me in a dark carpark at my workplace demanding to see Sam. When I said NO, he used threats to kidnap Sam. He boasted about having stalked both myself and Sam for a while, knowing where we live and where Sam went to school. He attempted fear tactics that worked at the time, whereby he stated that he had parked in front of the school several times to spy on Sam’s movements. Sam was 8 years old at the time and the last time Sam saw John was at the age of 1 year. So, you can imagine the fear and worry that overcame me. 

The police were not forthcoming with protecting us from being stalked by my very abusive ex-partner where history of abuse was on his record from more than one victim of many years. The police told me they cannot arrest him as he had not committed a crime by making physical contact with me, even though it was unsolicited and intended to exert fear and terror.  

This happened 6 years ago and still to this day, I always look over my shoulder when I am out and about or getting in and out of my car. My eyes are always peeled to see if he has found us. If I see someone that resembles him my heart literally stops beating and my breathing becomes slightly panicked, ready for a flight or fight response until I can confirm it is not him. This happens when I am driving or walking about town. The anticipation never goes away even after 13 years of being separated and being a confident survivor of DA. 

What baffled me the most at the time of the stalking was how on God’s earth it was possible that the police could not track down a dangerous abusive perpetrator like John especially with the long police record of perpetrating DA he had!  What hope does any victim have when such low-level policing is afforded to history of DA and stalking. The result of the police not following through with my reported incident of unwanted social media stalking and physical stalking from my ex-partner where there was a history of serious DA, was that it fuelled John’s arrogance and it confirm to him that there would be no recourse or consequence for his actions . John would lay low for a couple of months, but he had no intention of ever leaving me alone.

 I was forced to take matters in my own hands back in 2015 after the stalking. I appointed a solicitor and went to court to protect my child.                    

I was granted a Child Arrangement Order and a Prohibited Steps Order in all of 10-15 minutes in court and that was ONLY because John failed to turn up to the hearing. I am very sure that if he had turned up then end result would have been more trauma and no protection for my child, I am referring her to cross examination by the perpetrator being permissible in court as well as the legal presumption of contact with a child for the perpetrator .

The Child Arrangement Order placed Sam in my custody and granted me sole parental responsibility and all the rights associated with it. The Prohibited Steps Order prohibited John from removing Sam from my care or from England and Wales without written consent from either myself or an Order from the court. The Order stated that an officer from family proceedings (CAFCASS) involved in our case had given the court cause to suspect that Sam was at high risk of harm if said child was to be removed from my care by John.  Therefore, it was stated in the Order that if he did violate this order he would be held in contempt of court and face a prison sentence and/or an order to pay financial compensation and /or be ordered to undertake unpaid work. This was the best day of my life and I felt such victory and empowerment with achieving this result in court. I felt heard for the first time since I escaped John’s abuse. It surged even more strength in me to continue building a fortress to keep John out of our lives. I could not have done it without my formidable, caring, supportive solicitor, she knows who she is. Just recently I called her to thank her for her support and asked her to continue being the amazing solicitor she is for more women like me who survived DA but needed the legal support to seal the portal, this is so vital in a survivor’s brave determination to be free of abuse post separation. 

Life was good for a good few months after the win in court , for almost a year actually but in 2017 John started stalking us again and the hundreds of unwanted phone calls and texts messages was alarming for myself and Sam , I reported every incident to the police in case I need to take things further in court but 3 months after my latest statement the police department got a female officer to call me to inform me that they had botched up processing my statements correctly , on one occasion the attending officer failed to save my three hour  victim statement. The female officer failed at convincing me she was genuinely concerned about our safety , it was clear that the police department was far more concerned about the ramifications of their failure to process my victim statements correctly than the risk it posed to Sam and myself .The female police officer told me that I have the right and the option to have the victim statement retaken and processed properly bearing in mind  these statements take at least 3 hours to complete and it is harrowing to have to keep reliving the past but a necessary evil for a survivor to follow through with. The officer continued to say that although this is my right, it would be in my best interest to drop the idea of making a formal complaint and statement to avoid retriggering and emotional upset for myself and that dragging John through court would be hard and distressing, that for an easy life it’s better for me to let it go and move on!!!! At this point I felt very let down by the police and their lack of continuity and commitment to protect my child and myself. I LOST ALL CONFIDENCE IN THE POLICE because I was coerced and manipulated by a female officer who played on my fear of John and the trauma I suffered, into ignoring and keeping quiet about their failure to process my victim statement correctly and diligently, this was in 2017 , not so long ago.

John knew where we were lived and I realised that relying on the police to protect me was a futile effort, so we relocated. 

 Sam started secondary school in 2018, we moved to London. We lived 2 minutes from my sister’s home which for safety and support and this resulted in many happy family gatherings and several holidays abroad. John no longer knew where we were, I had disconnected from social media and requested my home address be removed  from my professional body’s register on grounds of personal safety .  But utopia was never going to last as long as I had John believing that I had something that belonged to him 

I would like to point out that it is typical of the narcissistic abuser, whenever they experience instability in their lives or lack a source of narcissistic supply or decide they still want you ,to relentlessly pursue and persist until they get what they want. This is because the narcissist does not understand boundaries and how to respect boundaries in a healthy manner . They are like water snakes that lay low until you forget the are there then they strike when you least expect it. This is exactly what John was doing in our time of peaceful living . 

There is NO WAY a narcissistic abuser can handle the level of stoic, loving ,disciplined parenting  that every parent faces with onset of tween/teenage years , where you have to demonstrate healthy ways to express anger , disappointment and frustration to your children so that they become emotionally healthy adults one day .
Narcissistic fathers are incapable of really loving their children like a normal father. A narcissist loves his children because he believes that they are his possession and a symbol of his achievements. The child is used as narcissistic supply when daddy needs a boost of ego by looking like a great dad. He will try hard to look like      

no.1 dad and he will feed off his children’s need to love and need him. THIS IS JOHN !

He is predictable but the chaos he causes never is and it is relentless until he wears you down, typical of any narcissist. When a narcissist wants something, they start off docile with a hint of fake humility when you do not respond to this faked appeal, they become persistent and relentless with contact. Has anyone ever succeeded in getting a narcissist to accept responsibility for their actions, or even just getting them to understand what chaos and damage they wreck on others’ lives or be accountable for their promises? If your answer is yes, then please contact me and so that we can share this with the world because it’s as rare as a sighting of the Lochness monster. 

John was never been convicted or ever did time for DA. He violently abused 5-6 women and never did time despite a police record as long as his arm. Another shocking fact is that the law did not acknowledge children witnessing DA as victims until now with the DA Bill coming up to Royal Ascent, this added with Family Courts “state sanctioned abuse” and “pro-contact” /legal presumption of contact with perpetrator and his children whereby the court permits and orders unsafe, unsupervised contact of children with domestic abusers , is like sending our children off with the pied piper purposefully . Many children have been killed at the hands of domestic abusers during unsupervised visits not mention how this family court legal system emboldens domestic abusers to ’continue cycles of abuse by way of control, unwanted contact and harassment’. Women’s Aid has put forward an amendment to the DA Bill through the Child First Campaign to prioritise children’s safety in cases where there is risk of harm by the domestic abuser and acknowledge children as being victims in DA situations. This amendment will be at the House of Lords on the 5th January 2021 for a second reading. We await the outcome.

 I left the country to make sure Sam never suffered or witness abuse at the hands of her father and when I returned I used the Court Order to protect her but in reality if he had turned up for the court hearing, he could still have requested for visitation rights and it would have been up to the judge to decide or guess whether he would harm my child or not during those visits . I would not have had a say in the matter and Sam for one did not know her father, he was a stranger and she was too young to have had an insightful opinion . But I knew very well that the high likelihood of John harming Sam over time if he had visitation rights was very real. The probability was too high for me to take a chance to see if he would harm Sam or not .My child’s life is too valuable and precious for a gamble of this kind and thank God John did a no show for the court hearing that day , thank God .I do not think I could live through the absolute horror and trauma of being cross question by my abuser in court in front of a judge .This sadly is a fact in DA cases where abusers are allowed to cross question their victims , again I see it as another form ‘state sanctioned abuse” whereby the abuser gets an opportunity to manipulate , control , invalidate and minimise their victims in a court of law ! Thank fully prohibition of cross examination has been passed by the DA bill. 

Outro message:

Before I go I just need to make some housekeeping announcements :

1.Please check out the podcast page on Instagram and Facebook (domesticabusethecuttingedge )and  Twitter @AbuseEdge ,where you can leave comments, feedback and questions. You can also find all the episodes and transcripts of this podcast at https://domesticabusethecuttingedge.buzzsprout.com

2.I also have show notes which signposts the National helpline 

NATIONAL DOMESTIC ABUSE HELPLINE

0808 2000 267 freephone and confidential

OR leave a message by completing a form on the website : nationaldahelpline.org.uk 

3.Please , if you are able to donate to my LISTENER SUPPORT , please go to the podcast website www.domesticabusethecuttingedge.com

And click on the paypal donate button link to support. . All donations will go toward setting up a cluster of Support Group for survivors of domestic abuse where victims who have recently left their abusive relationship needing, and will find , life-saving support and understanding from experienced survivors who have been there and done that. I am preparing the manifesto and key principles of the Support Group which will be free of charge. The Group will not be a referral or signposting service nor an advice service, just simply sitting down and supporting and listening to each other , a safe space to grow and develop personal journeys to being totally free of abuse in their lives.

The next episode will tackle Financial Abuse.How the narcissistic abuser uses money to abuse and how they use money as a mechanism to control . What the red flags are that indicate such abuse and control

STAY SAFE . DO NOT WAIT TO REACH OUT FOR HELP.YOUR LIFE MATTERS

Much love and light .This is DOMESTIC ABUSE : THE CUTTING EDGE .I am Maz , your host signing out until next time.